Camaraderie

I only have two friends that I believe are worth mentioning, if you do not count Caterina, my work in progress. The rest are just fodder on my social roster. And believe me, there are many undesirables. Francesca. Ashley.

Brigitte Larnault and I met at the beginning of our school career. At the time, my mother heavily influenced me and I wouldn’t share my colors with anyone that wasn’t French. Luckily for Brigitte, she was. It helped that her father was the CEO of my favorite clothing line, not to mention one of the richest men in all of France. He had actually invited my parents to his private estate in Lake Cuomo more than once but the children had never met which is shocking considering who my mother is. After that, we became rather inseparable school-wise. She is smart, has good intentions (most of the time) and a killer closet. Another really good thing is that she is always behind me 100%, which can be quite enjoyable for a change. Doesn’t matter what I want to do, where I want to go or how unlikely it is that it might work, she’ll support me because she knows better than to go ahead and go against my wishes. She gets perks. And thanks to me she can actually play mix and match with her countless outfits in a way that would make Anna Wintour proud.

Then again, only I can make her truly proud since I am the mastermind behind all the good taste. Not to mention my fashion sense is widely imitated in school formals and mixers.

I met Sasha Bedford at Institut Villa Pierrefeu in Switzerland. It was three years ago, after my disastrous fake break up with Christian. My mother thought it would be prudent to go away for a while so I wouldn’t shame her anymore, so she enrolled me for that summer. Sasha was the top of the class, until I knocked her out of the league. Not because I cared about floral arrangements, or public speaking. I was just really aggressive. She hated me at the beginning because of that. After a few matches and my winning all of them (because let’s be serious, I am the best), she decided that I was a force to be reckoned with. We were friends shortly afterwards. I found out her family is from Kenya and that her father was a very prestigious plastic surgeon. She was tolerable though she had the uncanny ability to sleep with every single man I ever found attractive or wanted. I suppose she still competes with me. She even lost her virginity because I had lost it first. Guess I always beat her to the punch.

Speaking of punch, she makes fantastic cocktails. Yet another reason to keep her around. And! She has a sixth sense. She just... KNOWS things. It's amazing! And she gave me a pretty good luck charm to ward me off the evil eye... though it broke after only two weeks. That just shows you how loved I am.

Though there is only one thing that bothers me right now, like a lot. A LOT. Sasha and Nathan slept together. It shouldn't bother me a lot considering I had a very serious conversation with Nathan. I told him that I honestly think that being an official couple is ridiculous. We are young, we are vital and we need excitement. This is the year where we experiment, not bore ourselves with conformity. We can be together, go out, have sex and have fun together. And have fun with other people. Only, I get REALLY peeved when he has fun with someone else because I haven't had fun with anyone yet!

It also doesn't help that Caterina is peeved at me (how is that possible again?) AND time-sharing! How dare she be friends with that --. I even heard there was a friendship commemorative concert and everything. Talk about pathetic. I sent her a basket with mini-muffins and pretty flowers and the ultimate you-better-forgive-me present, a Dior bag.

Panic Attacks

I had a panic attack last night. It was random and out of the blue. It made me realize what a stupid, horrible person I am.

I started thinking about where my brother was. About where Caterina was and why she didn't stay over. About how quiet the house was and how no one lived here anymore. How I was the only one left. About how Nathan was doing and if he was dreaming and thinking of me. Then all those words that didn't come out during his visit, choked up in my throat then catapulted to the pit of my stomach. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't cry for help. I couldn't reach my phone to call him. I just sat there, in my big bed, holding my chest and crying.

I wanted him to stay and spend the night with me but I was too coward to ask him anything. As it was, I asked him to hide our relationship and I wore a single's ring that I had gotten from Sasha. He didn't yell or seem bothered. He merely asked for one. That made me feel worse. Or whatever other word is worse than worse. He made nachos. He watched Sex and the City with me and held me close. It felt so strange but good. I really, really didn't want him to leave. But my pride, my infamous Reinard pride, wouldn't let me speak. I just kissed him goodbye and told him to drive safe.

Caterina then appeared. Christian was going to swing by to have a talk and she was waiting with me. She then asked me something that caused more pain to my stomach. What is it about Nathan that has me this way? And worse, why is it so unbelievable and unrealistic for me to like him, let alone love him?

Then it hit me. He's too normal for me. He cooks, he smiles, he cracks a joke and loves his mom. How could I be attracted to him? He's not dangerous (or at least he hasn't been with me), he's not even with me for the sex, he can't parade me around because I won't let him, I have to practically force him to have sex with me and he always wants to talk.

When did this happen? Why is it so hard and why do I have to explain that I am in love... perhaps?

Way too scared of that word. It's the secret password to all of my relationship screw ups. The I love you also known as permission to fuck me over and use me to your convenience. I guess that's why he's too normal for me aka too good for me. But I am greedy. I feel greedy when I see him (that is when I am not STUPID). I want him to be mine, all mine. I want a Michel/Thierry. But... how can I even want this when I am not even allowing him to be publicly my boyfriend? It started out as a protection for my reputation and it has quickly evolved to a little treasure chest that I'll be damned if anyone touches.

Which then makes me think of Ashley. And how I want to kill her.

I am hungry. I haven't heard from him. I am obsessing.

WHY is he so together?! Wasn't he a mess like me?! Wasn't he NATHAN SATAN?! Oh that's too low. I can't believe I am bashing him because I can't deal with the fact that I have very strong feelings for him. Normally I don't care if the guy doesn't love me. I'll love for us both but now... I really wish he would... oh that made me think of bell pepper omelets and those other girls and how he probably was nice to them too. ARGH. I can't.

Hungry. FOOD. Obsessing. Sex and the bloody dry CITY. Why weren't you HERE Caterina?!

Sugar-tasting

Even if today is the self-proclaimed exclusive day for my big brother, there is a little something else that is currently occupying my mind. So many people have apparently responded to my vile plans with the puritan Austrian whom I have carefully nicknamed "Fifi", which has me even more excited about all the things I want to do to her. Seems to me that I am one of the few productive members of my society that puts thought into action. My adoring big brother is delighted with our new project. I've already started to educate her: how to properly brush her hair and apply make up, which colors go best with her skin tone, how to kiss someone properly (depending on what you want out of them), though my favorite part has been when I've had to discipline her when she gets rebellious. She has the firmest tush, it's quite enjoyable to see how your hand automatically bounces back once you've smacked her. And those little sounds that escape her throat. It's quite difficult not to do things I shouldn't (not yet I mean). Why must I discipline her? Well, she must understand once and for all that it's not always acceptable to be around Christian and Nathan without my consent. Doesn't matter how 'good friends' they are. She must only answer to me and my authority over her. No one else. She CAN be quite exasperating due to the fact that she has the attention span of a baby in a candy store. Though all is semi-forgiven whenever she presses her lips against my skin. It's a soothing feeling. Begrudgingly, I think I can understand my brother a bit.

She is also being trained to pose though actually, we didn't really have to prep her an awful lot. She is a natural. I had heard from a trust-worthy source that Stockers were playful, I just didn't realize that it reached such degrees. I might take a guess and say that it's how normal people that aren't 'hushed' act. The garden distracts her but we got this amazing shot (Rink's handiwork of course). And it got me thinking... why must we wait so much until we take the pictures we truly desire? I mean, she's there. She's always at the house with me. Might as well introduce her to our world bit by bit.

First, we fed her some 'roses' as to not have her all fidget-y at the shoot. Considering her skin tone, her hair and her all around come hither look, we opted for our tropical montage. Logically, she had a few reservations with the outfit at the beginning. I blamed it on the adrenaline of having to expose yourself to the lens of a camera (plus she's a virgin). Though it was just for a few seconds, she turned out to be quite the camera whore. Click. Pose. Click. Another pose. Click. Yet another pose. Rink, of course, was enthralled. He hardly talked. All you could hear was the incessant click of the camera. Truthfully, he loves it when girls just do as they want and he's the peeping Tom with a state of the art camera (which his beloved sister got for him). I merely watched and had to resist the urge to touch myself. She can be that gorgeous. Amazing for someone I practically picked up off the streets, no?

Honestly, I can't wait for our new Masqué party. Everything is set up (I even bought new handcuffs for the occasion!), she has been properly invited as our guest of honor and I already have my new outfit for that night. Not to mention a couple of new toys. Eek! I would laugh out loud in glee but she is sleeping next to me so I won't wake her. I should, after she deserted me that night to be with that pompous Christian! Leaving NATHAN in her PLACE! >< I was NOT a happy little lovely girl! And I will not continue to discuss this because he is too difficult at times and I don't get him and THIRD TIMES ARE NOT A CHARM! I would give a large amount of money to wipe that smug look off his face whenever he looks at me. He swears he's got me all figured out, he's got something else coming! ... not sure what that is yet. But it WILL come! Because if he thinks he's going to be leaving lingering thoughts of him on my mind, he's sorely mistaken.

Anniversaire

Joyeux Anniversaire Rink!

Je t'aime mon frère... Je vous souhaite une vie remplie de sexe crépu, d'adoration et de toute la beauté dans le monde. Ayez un jour merveilleux. Rappelez-vous de se conduire mal.

Avec amour,

Votre petite soeur préférée,

Veronique