The Little Queen Bee

And So We Meet

2009-10-16T21:26:00.000-07:00

In a world of wealth and privilege, the only thing that matters is coming first. Right after, it's having the best of the best. Since birth, I’ve been privy to the inner workings of this world and because of it; I know exactly how to navigate in it. I also know how to destroy it. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that my name, Veronique Reinard, does not carry exclusively a renowned and respected lineage. It also carries more than one scandalous transgression. Things just tend to get blown out of proportion when you’re rich and beautiful. The only person that cares about this hoo-ha is my mother. She tends to forget that we are parishioners of the Church of London Gossip and that, as worshipers, our only real mission is to pass judgment.

It was the eve of my 21st birthday. I had been looking forward to it for months though it is of popular opinion that I had been celebrating my 21st since I was 14. What are socialites if not stunning women with a small drinking problem? I wanted to go to my favorite club, E.N.V.Y. where I was sure to bump into more than one ex-boyfriend and spend most of the evening burning off all the alcohol to the beat of Paradiso Girls.

“Why aren’t you in your room getting dressed?” my mother said.

“Because I told you I didn’t want any of this.”

True to form, my mother had ignored my wish and organized a tasteful soiree. The woman had invited every chairman, banker, businessman and person of noble descent that would fit in our ballroom with the excuse to celebrate my birth. Crates of champagne are being chilled, canapés have been served and musicians are getting ready.

“This isn’t about you,” she snapped. A man carrying a large floral arrangement walked past us. “You, put those chrysanthemums over there.”

“What are those chrysanthemums doing there?” I asked.

She looked over to me, eyebrow arched.

“You love chrysanthemums.”

“No, I hate chrysanthemums. Those are Rory’s favorites. You know this.”

“Well… whatever. As I said this isn’t about you this is about pleasing our guests.”

“Ironic considering it’s my birthday.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t want this!”

She ignored me. I wanted to scratch her eyes out. I didn’t want any of this. And it seemed that no childish tantrum was going to get me out of traipsing around a room filled with suits. Other measures had to be taken.

Mother was busy barking orders then suddenly turned to me.

“Why aren’t you getting dressed?”

I offered the iciest smile I could muster at her then turned on my heel.

The outfit had been picked. A smooth, satin black dress that was fitted and flattering. Cutout patterns down the back that reveals my silky skin and the hem finishes high on the thigh. Black Christian Louboutin pumps for that extra sensual kitten appeal. Provocative and inappropriate. It was all I needed for tonight.

After a luxurious bubble bath, I wrapped myself in my satin robe. I kneeled before my mini fridge, opening it swiftly. A lone bottle of tequila waited for me. I took it, uncorked it and took a swig. Yum. A knock on the door distracted me. Making sure I wouldn’t step on my sleeping black mat of a dog, I tip toed around him and opened the door. A man that had to have some sort of Viking descendent stood before me. All 6 foot 4 of him.

“Hello, you must be Veronique,” he said. He bowed his head respectively. “Happy birthday.”

I blinked. Had my mother experienced a sudden change of heart and therefore gave me one of her hand-me-down Adonis? The man before me was so fine I forgot to breathe for a few seconds. Then I remembered that mother had never been involved with Jason Weiss, the man who was singlehandedly in charge of one of the most important maritime companies in all of the UK. Didn’t hurt his pedigree that he was a Lord too.

“Thank you? And yes…”

“I am—“

“Lord Jason Weiss. I know you.”

“Good. Saves us time.” He walked past me and into my room.

I closed the door behind him, carefully watching him as he surveyed my room. Judging by the look on that handsome face of his, it seemed he wasn’t hugged much when he was a child. My inner femme fatale giggled. Carefully, I lowered my robe so it would reveal my shoulders. My fingers curled a strand of my hair.

“What are you doing here?”

“Your mother sent me.”

“Oh.”

There went my hard on. I quickly hid my shoulders under my robe and tightened the bow. He walked right into my closet. I had an eyelash curler in my hand when a Roberto Cavalli shirt flew across from me. I squealed.

“What the bloody hell are you doing?!”

“Getting rid of all things inappropriate.”

I marched in and found him looking at my clothes with disapproval. My eyes were wide. It did not matter that I had to stare up at him. I was ferocious.

“Get out.”

“No.”

“Get out!”

“No.”

I blinked. He grabbed about 15 outfits and removed them from the closet. I counted four of my favorite dresses in that bunch. The man was merciless.

“Jason Weiss, I mean it, get out.”

“If you can physically remove me, I’ll leave.”

I scoffed and walked right up to him. After four pathetic attempts (and four feels of his washboard abs) I figured I couldn’t move him. His lips curled into a small smirk that lasted about four seconds before an indescribable frown took over.

“Now, it seems like I have my work cut out for me. You are going to attend to your party in an elegant ensemble--”

“Excuse me but I already have an outfit.”

He cast a disdainful glance to the dress on my bed.

“I didn’t know you liked to dress like a crack whore.”

My jaw dropped. He walked back into my closet. I heard the cling clang of the hangers as they were taken out of their place. Only someone like me could find herself in this situation where a good-looking man is in my room with no real desire to shag me. Instead he was ordering me around while deflowering the source of all my pride.

The evening suddenly looked ridiculously longer.

Promise Not To Promise Anymore

2009-10-02T03:00:00.000-07:00

Angry. Wounded. Can't sleep. Need to let it out.

Both my paranoia and my insomnia have set up a permanent residence in my mind. Neither wants to give in. They both want me for themselves. Too much going on around me. I haven't the slightest clue of how I am supposed to keep up. I'm doing my best... which according to some doesn't amount to much but I keep doing it anyway. Haters to the left as Michel says.

Here's the dish before Gossip Guy breaks the news and makes all the sordid details public.

I'm single again.

Kyle and I are broken up. For real this time.

Spoke too soon in that last entry of mine nearly a month ago. Everything went downhill after that. I guess that's my reward for saying those dreaded three words to him.

Mother was really happy. So happy she sneaked into Kyle's bedroom to do the nasty.

It started out small enough. Someone came back into our lives and his attention shifted as it always does when something new walks by. But this time, the attention didn't waver. It didn't take a quantum physicist to realize he was in love. With my zomg so much perfection in a person! sister. Yes. It just got juicer. He finally found love and he wanted out of this relationship. That was a good enough reason for me or would've be under any other circumstance.

Rest assured, I didn't think of him as husband material. Those two marriages in Vegas don't count. Yes, two. We did one on the down-low. It was naughty, fun and unpredictable. Like we were once a upon a time. We have similar temperaments which allowed our relationship to really blossom against all odds. We were honest with each other no matter how hard or how painful.

So when I found out he was deliberately withholding information from me (important personal information), I knew I had a big problem in my hands. Kyle wanted out and he had no idea of how to go about it.

I've used my fair share of people. Not once have I regretted it.

This time I was the one being used. Still don't know how to feel there.

I expected that from everyone but him. He was supposed to be my best friend. The one person I could trust. The one person I could be myself with and receive no judgment for it. Suddenly the love and the friendship that had grown between us for two years had all but vanished. Somehow, without my knowledge, I had been downgraded to second class citizen in his eyes.

It still stings.

When I am fine, I am fine. When I am not and I find myself missing the only source of comfort I've had in a long while, I want to hurt him. I want to destroy his newfound source of happiness. That would be the only real way of hurting him. This horrible creature (o hai real me~) takes over me and I want to see him on the floor. I want to see him unhappy and broken, like me.

But...

That's the pathetic thing about love. It stops me. It makes me realize that hurting him would hurt me because beyond my agony, I still love him. I haven't downgraded him to second class citizen like he did with me.

How easy it is for people to dispose of me. I thought friendship meant 'forever' not 'until someone better comes along'.

Believe it or not, I still wish I could go to him and listen to him talk. About himself, about his life, about anything. Guess I am really the stupid one in the end.

Because tonight, while I was butchered, skewered and biting the bullet for someone I loved even more, I held my head along with the tears to throw some acid back. I thought it was the words being hurled at me... then I realized much to my horror that it wasn't just that. Those words still haunt like the hours that are going by that taunt me because I won't sleep but... it was the realization that no one was going to be on my side anymore. I missed him. I wished he would've popped when I walked back to my house at 5 am. He didn't have to hug me or even talk to me. Just a look of 'hang in there'.

Guess it was my fault. I might have tricked myself into believing our friendship was real and not just a decoration to take the edge off the phrase "we fuck and we like it".

That reminds me. Lucille and I had a fight earlier (prior to midnight) because she did something a friend would do. She had taken my side in an argument with someone else. Worry not, I rectified it immediately by swallowing her whole. Not because she had defended me but because she had hurt someone dear to me while trying to help me.

I told you I was stupid.

She listened as I unloaded on her. She jumped off a bridge to take the steam off the argument. I am not embellishing. Then she got dressed and headed to the party she was expected to go. It was good to know she was still a trooper.

Kyle's my ex now. Expecting him to be there for me, to be my friend was perhaps too much on my behalf.

I'm going to be acting out these days. My birthday is coming up. I don't want to do anything. Mother wants to celebrate it for all the wrong reasons. Personally, I want the Grim Reaper to pick her up.

Christian is an asshole but Nathaniel loves him so I have to love him too. Or at least tolerate him more than I do.

I have no idea how I am going to get along with Rory. My feelings might be a little too intense for someone as delicate as her. Or as my mother puts it, too soiled for someone like her.

I'm going out. Time to find a bar that is open after hours. Wandering is also fine by me.

Why Hello There

2009-08-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

Burberry sniffs my camera as a way to say hello. Isn't he adorable?

Kyle and I are still together. Can't remember when we hooked up but I suppose that's fitting considering I can't remember our anniversary either. Oh well ;)

Damaged Goods

2009-04-21T13:50:00.000-07:00

Letting it all out. Truth will set you free or make you run towards the hills. I don't want to face the music but the dreaded book is here. It makes me even more scared and even more self-conscious. So I am blogging... to distract myself.

Whatever the case, I am what I am. Damaged goods, fucked up socialite, slut, whacked vegan, non-volleyball knockers.

Because that's how I roll.

That felt good.

Cheers.

Adding to the established numbers

2009-03-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

I am going to probably make this blog private after this. Whatev.

Kyle and I broke up. It was good... while it lasted.

The One Good Boy

2009-02-18T00:22:00.000-08:00

It's already midnight, I am still awake (ANGRY) when I should be sleeping. I actually have to up and impossibly fresh looking in less than six hours. So what can I do to calm myself? Blog.

Last Thanksgiving I received a great gift by the name of Burberry. I wasn't expecting him at all. I didn't even know I liked dogs, until that moment. Kyle brought it on a huge basket with a bow. I though it was a coat. He jumped out of his basket and slobbered all over my new outfit, then looked at me with those big chocolate eyes. I don't know if it was the champagne or the sudden explosion of inner happiness but I was hooked. Not much has changed since then, except I carry a big towel with me everywhere. So yes, Kyle is very high up in my favorite people list. He's really friendly (I actually wish he'd bark at some people) and a great pillow to snuggle with at night. Though my temper is still rampant, I don't feel so alone anymore after a fit.

Burberry at 9 weeks.

Wasn't he the cutest ball of black fluff? I finally have a valid excuse to use my brother's professional camera.

Burberry at 10 weeks.

Here he is trying to disarm me with that charming goofy smile... I fall for it every time.

Burberry at 13 weeks.

Caught red handed with one of the many plushies I was supposed to give away at Christmas. He took a liking to it and it has remained under his watchful gnawing care. I named it Ursula. It seemed fitting.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY ARE SLEEPING OVER. OMG.

I Hate Subject Lines

2009-02-17T09:26:00.000-08:00

I found an old entry of mine and it just... reeked of desperation. I am very happy I didn't actually post it way back then. I am a changed woman now! (or better said, smack dab in the process).

Last night I devoted my entire night (my beauty sleep portion to be exact) so I could make my Twitter account, which seems to be the only reasonable way to keep yourself in touch with people nowadays. EVEN if some people ~coughNATHANcoughCHRISTIANcough~ think it's their private messaging service. >/ It's ANNOYING. It doesn't matter if I am doing everything in my power to be pleasant and helpful, somehow it turns into... ARGH!! So while Facebook takes control of your personal property and thinks that's ok, I'll stick to Twitter. Unless I am overtaken by madness and delete the thing.

I should add more followers. That ought to solve my problem.

Changed my blog layout because the other one was really hard to personalize. I think it's really pretty (like me), stylish (like me) and very true to my persona. Though it reminds me I haven't done some retail therapy in a very long time.

Therapy... ugh.

Though now I am not really loving my layout. It might be too dark. What a problem. I think I spent too many hours last night on this so it shall STAY unless the fairy godmother of blogger comes in and makes it prettier somehow. Then again after my Twitter match and subsequent ~O SNAP~ moment, I am dissatisfied with EVERYTHING.

Camaraderie

2007-09-19T23:08:00.000-07:00

I only have two friends that I believe are worth mentioning, if you do not count Caterina, my work in progress. The rest are just fodder on my social roster. And believe me, there are many undesirables. ~~Francesca~~. ~~Ashley~~.

Brigitte Larnault and I met at the beginning of our school career. At the time, my mother heavily influenced me and I wouldn’t share my colors with anyone that wasn’t French. Luckily for Brigitte, she was. It helped that her father was the CEO of my favorite clothing line, not to mention one of the richest men in all of France. He had actually invited my parents to his private estate in Lake Cuomo more than once but the children had never met which is shocking considering who my mother is. After that, we became rather inseparable school-wise. She is smart, has good intentions (most of the time) and a killer closet. Another really good thing is that she is always behind me 100%, which can be quite enjoyable for a change. Doesn’t matter what I want to do, where I want to go or how unlikely it is that it might work, she’ll support me because she knows better than to go ahead and go against my wishes. She gets perks. And thanks to me she can actually play mix and match with her countless outfits in a way that would make Anna Wintour proud.

Then again, only I can make her truly proud since I am the mastermind behind all the good taste. Not to mention my fashion sense is widely imitated in school formals and mixers.

I met Sasha Bedford at Institut Villa Pierrefeu in Switzerland. It was three years ago, after my disastrous fake break up with Christian. My mother thought it would be prudent to go away for a while so I wouldn’t shame her anymore, so she enrolled me for that summer. Sasha was the top of the class, until I knocked her out of the league. Not because I cared about floral arrangements, or public speaking. I was just really aggressive. She hated me at the beginning because of that. After a few matches and my winning all of them (because let’s be serious, I am the best), she decided that I was a force to be reckoned with. We were friends shortly afterwards. I found out her family is from Kenya and that her father was a very prestigious plastic surgeon. She was tolerable though she had the uncanny ability to sleep with every single man I ever found attractive or wanted. I suppose she still competes with me. She even lost her virginity because I had lost it first. Guess I always beat her to the punch.

Speaking of punch, she makes fantastic cocktails. Yet another reason to keep her around. And! She has a sixth sense. She just... KNOWS things. It's amazing! And she gave me a pretty good luck charm to ward me off the evil eye... though it broke after only two weeks. That just shows you how loved I am.

Though there is only one thing that bothers me right now, like a lot. A LOT. Sasha and Nathan slept together. It shouldn't bother me a lot considering I had a very serious conversation with Nathan. I told him that I honestly think that being an official couple is ridiculous. We are young, we are vital and we need excitement. This is the year where we experiment, not bore ourselves with conformity. We can be together, go out, have sex and have fun together. And have fun with other people. Only, I get REALLY peeved when he has fun with someone else because I haven't had fun with anyone yet!

It also doesn't help that Caterina is peeved at me (how is that possible again?) AND time-sharing! How dare she be friends with that --. I even heard there was a friendship commemorative concert and everything. Talk about pathetic. I sent her a basket with mini-muffins and pretty flowers and the ultimate you-better-forgive-me present, a Dior bag.

Panic Attacks

2007-09-16T16:00:00.000-07:00

I had a panic attack last night. It was random and out of the blue. It made me realize what a stupid, horrible person I am.

I started thinking about where my brother was. About where Caterina was and why she didn't stay over. About how quiet the house was and how no one lived here anymore. How I was the only one left. About how Nathan was doing and if he was dreaming and thinking of me. Then all those words that didn't come out during his visit, choked up in my throat then catapulted to the pit of my stomach. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't cry for help. I couldn't reach my phone to call him. I just sat there, in my big bed, holding my chest and crying.

I wanted him to stay and spend the night with me but I was too coward to ask him anything. As it was, I asked him to hide our relationship and I wore a single's ring that I had gotten from Sasha. He didn't yell or seem bothered. He merely asked for one. That made me feel worse. Or whatever other word is worse than worse. He made nachos. He watched Sex and the City with me and held me close. It felt so strange but good. I really, really didn't want him to leave. But my pride, my infamous Reinard pride, wouldn't let me speak. I just kissed him goodbye and told him to drive safe.

Caterina then appeared. Christian was going to swing by to have a talk and she was waiting with me. She then asked me something that caused more pain to my stomach. What is it about Nathan that has me this way? And worse, why is it so unbelievable and unrealistic for me to like him, let alone love him?

Then it hit me. He's too normal for me. He cooks, he smiles, he cracks a joke and loves his mom. How could I be attracted to him? He's not dangerous (or at least he hasn't been with me), he's not even with me for the sex, he can't parade me around because I won't let him, I have to practically force him to have sex with me and he always wants to talk.

When did this happen? Why is it so hard and why do I have to explain that I am in love... perhaps?

Way too scared of that word. It's the secret password to all of my relationship screw ups. The I love you also known as permission to fuck me over and use me to your convenience. I guess that's why he's too normal for me aka too good for me. But I am greedy. I feel greedy when I see him (that is when I am not STUPID). I want him to be mine, all mine. I want a Michel/Thierry. But... how can I even want this when I am not even allowing him to be publicly my boyfriend? It started out as a protection for my reputation and it has quickly evolved to a little treasure chest that I'll be damned if anyone touches.

Which then makes me think of Ashley. And how I want to kill her.

I am hungry. I haven't heard from him. I am obsessing.

WHY is he so together?! Wasn't he a mess like me?! Wasn't he NATHAN SATAN?! Oh that's too low. I can't believe I am bashing him because I can't deal with the fact that I have very strong feelings for him. Normally I don't care if the guy doesn't love me. I'll love for us both but now... I really wish he would... oh that made me think of bell pepper omelets and those other girls and how he probably was nice to them too. ARGH. I can't.

Hungry. FOOD. Obsessing. Sex and the bloody dry CITY. Why weren't you HERE Caterina?!

Sugar-tasting

2007-09-03T02:52:00.000-07:00

Even if today is the self-proclaimed exclusive day for my big brother, there is a little something else that is currently occupying my mind. So many people have apparently responded to my vile plans with the puritan Austrian whom I have carefully nicknamed "Fifi", which has me even more excited about all the things I want to do to her. Seems to me that I am one of the few productive members of my society that puts thought into action. My adoring big brother is delighted with our new project. I've already started to educate her: how to properly brush her hair and apply make up, which colors go best with her skin tone, how to kiss someone properly (depending on what you want out of them), though my favorite part has been when I've had to discipline her when she gets rebellious. She has the firmest tush, it's quite enjoyable to see how your hand automatically bounces back once you've smacked her. And those little sounds that escape her throat. It's quite difficult not to do things I shouldn't (not yet I mean). Why must I discipline her? Well, she must understand once and for all that it's not always acceptable to be around Christian and Nathan without my consent. Doesn't matter how 'good friends' they are. She must only answer to me and my authority over her. No one else. She CAN be quite exasperating due to the fact that she has the attention span of a baby in a candy store. Though all is semi-forgiven whenever she presses her lips against my skin. It's a soothing feeling. Begrudgingly, I think I can understand my brother a bit.

She is also being trained to pose though actually, we didn't really have to prep her an awful lot. She is a natural. I had heard from a trust-worthy source that Stockers were playful, I just didn't realize that it reached such degrees. I might take a guess and say that it's how normal people that aren't 'hushed' act. The garden distracts her but we got this amazing shot (Rink's handiwork of course). And it got me thinking... why must we wait so much until we take the pictures we truly desire? I mean, she's there. She's always at the house with me. Might as well introduce her to our world bit by bit.

First, we fed her some 'roses' as to not have her all fidget-y at the shoot. Considering her skin tone, her hair and her all around come hither look, we opted for our tropical montage. Logically, she had a few reservations with the outfit at the beginning. I blamed it on the adrenaline of having to expose yourself to the lens of a camera (plus she's a virgin). Though it was just for a few seconds, she turned out to be quite the camera whore. Click. Pose. Click. Another pose. Click. Yet another pose. Rink, of course, was enthralled. He hardly talked. All you could hear was the incessant click of the camera. Truthfully, he loves it when girls just do as they want and he's the peeping Tom with a state of the art camera (which his beloved sister got for him). I merely watched and had to resist the urge to touch myself. She can be that gorgeous. Amazing for someone I practically picked up off the streets, no?

Honestly, I can't wait for our new Masqué party. Everything is set up (I even bought new handcuffs for the occasion!), she has been properly invited as our guest of honor and I already have my new outfit for that night. Not to mention a couple of new toys. Eek! I would laugh out loud in glee but she is sleeping next to me so I won't wake her. I should, after she deserted me that night to be with that pompous Christian! Leaving NATHAN in her PLACE! >< I was NOT a happy little lovely girl! And I will not continue to discuss this because he is too difficult at times and I don't get him and THIRD TIMES ARE NOT A CHARM! I would give a large amount of money to wipe that smug look off his face whenever he looks at me. He swears he's got me all figured out, he's got something else coming! ... not sure what that is yet. But it WILL come! Because if he thinks he's going to be leaving lingering thoughts of him on my mind, he's sorely mistaken.

Anniversaire

2007-09-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

Joyeux Anniversaire Rink!

Je t'aime mon frère... Je vous souhaite une vie remplie de sexe crépu, d'adoration et de toute la beauté dans le monde. Ayez un jour merveilleux. Rappelez-vous de se conduire mal.

Avec amour,

Votre petite soeur préférée,

Veronique

Grace and Sex

2007-08-30T17:30:00.000-07:00

I find myself lately with a lollipop in my mouth. And whenever I have this lollipop, I think of many naughty things. Sexuality has been a driving force in most of my actions in the past years. Ever since I rid myself of my virginity (or as most Americans refer to it, getting your cherry popped), I've been adamant about the broadening of my horizons. Young men, older men, fetishes, girls... it's been a roller-coaster of sensations. I love things dark and tight, shiny leather boots, smearing and tainting. Even if I dress in monochromatic tones, my lingerie is always delicate and brightly colored. Makes me feel extra sexy on any given day. What I love even more is the need to overpower everyone around me. See them kneel at my feet, looking at me like I am their queen is so exciting.

Logically, I don't consider myself a whore or easy as some might have suggested >> I mean, does it make you an easy person if you follow your desires and instincts? No. It makes you driven and focused. That's exactly what I am. Driven and focused. NOT promiscuous.

I used to have a bit of a problem with sex. It wasn't fair that it was me the one who had to be dominated. After all, most men are simply looking for a female to put their penis in. They don't care about the sexual games, or gooey things like feelings, they just want to feel superior to us, the women. So, I switch it around. I want to be superior to them. Then again, most guys don't necessarily agree with me when I offer the services of my strap-on. Quite a shame that it has gone to be unused for some time.

A lot of things arouse me. I blame it on the fact that I am young and we Britons are quite experimental. My latest affinities include ballerinas, burlesque shows (Dita Von Teese is my goddess) and bad boys with a seemingly heart of gold. Or at least covered in gold leaf.

Ballerinas are the epitome of beauty. They are sleek, slender and their movements are filled with a grace that seemed to be with them from the moment they were born. Everyone that's anyone can appreciate a fine ballerina. True, I despised them when I was growing up. Same way I despised cheerleaders. They were all blond, happy and colorful. I was neither of those things. Though later, it made me curious as how it would feel to be embraced by them. How would it feel to touch them and if their moans would be as soft as their movements. I feel for ballerinas what ravenous men feel when they cast their eyes upon a virgin girl.

Truth be told, I am in dire need of an activity. I am thinking... Caterina. At least Nathan will be entertained watching.

Tangled

2007-08-25T03:32:00.000-07:00

Someone has got to write a manual on how to deal with people and then spread it around like a disease to see if anyone bothers to read it. Then maybe they learn TACT. Yes, I am Veronique Reinard and I am utterly heartless. I suppose TACT is something that is unavailable to a bitch like me. It's the air of indifference around me, isn't it? It's not that I don't want to spend time with my boyfriend. I do. I enjoy his company beyond belief when I am not being scared of him. And even then I still crave it. Fun, wild, dangerous, unplanned. My problem is that I seem to crave his company in a more obvious way than he does. I feel that all I do is chase after him.

Constantly. All the time. It's sickening to watch.

Realizing that left me in a panic because I just DO NOT chase after a guy in broad daylight for everyone to see which I think he enjoys. And all I do is chase after Nathan, then I say something bitchy, he thinks I am being defiant, I piss him off and he throws me into the nearest body of water. I have swallowed much water in this entire transition. I am always pursuing him. I chase him to his hotel, to his bike, to his spot in the yard, to his classes. It's like I am that vexing piece of gum you can't take off your shoe no matter how hard you step on it. I am aware and I don't care. I want him.

It takes me a while to try and get through all my annoyances, to figure out why I am so terrified of my feelings. It's not like I haven't loved and been burned before. God, my typing is getting harder after that last shot. I just feel that Nathan's even more fleeting than the other guy. And I can't change who I am to fit him. Though I do try to please him as much as I can but then he says something that pisses me off and I stop.

He's a womanizer. I am a slut with a pretty face and a crumbling reputation.

I want to be chased yet I feel I don't deserve to chased because I will be filled with a false impression of the guy's true intentions. Though that seems to matter so little when his lips quirk into a smile. It's just THAT! I am so INTO him it's killing me! I am not even bothering to get away from him so I can put my feelings in check and protect myself. I am addicted and obsessed. Worst part is that I am a horrible girlfriend to him (at least that's how I feel at times)... and he's great more often than not. He just looses a few of his marbles every once in a while.

I think of him all the time. I want to be with him all the time. Because I think, I am a 16 year old. He's going to college. Desperate, horny, drunk college women emerge like daisies and he is the bee. He will fertilize as many as he can. It's a rites-of-passage and I have been cursed with the knowledge that it's part of being a man. I can't go ahead and devoid him of that 'experience'.

Ugh. Yes. My brain is being a pain.

But I am selfish. I want him to be mine. I don't want to share him. I don't want anyone touching him. I don't want anyone connecting with him like Ashley does or sharing doobies and songs. And if I ~MUST~ share him then I'll do so but I have to own a part of him. Any will do. Just a piece of what Nathan is. I can't resist him, I don't even try to. I am so sexually charged all the time, I just want to lock him up and never let him go so I can do him to my heart's desire.

He's high most of the time. I worry. Then my inconsiderate desires take over. I want him to be damaged like I am. I feel it would be hypocritical of me to say something and Nathan doesn't think twice about telling you off. I had to acquire a new flask because he's rid me of mine by REPORTING to the school that I am an alcoholic that gets him intoxicated so I can have my way with him. I would. I am planning to do that soon enough. Waiting for him to make up his mind is destroying my neurons. I am not patient. I want things NOW. And while I do one more idiotic, failed attempt to maintain my dignity, I want to squeeze him for all he's got. So he can't get it anywhere else and so I can be more than a fleeting memory when he leaves.

...

Worrying is a waste of time. Crying about it is an even worse offense. It's not like I am made of something fragile, right? It's skin. It can regenerate. Even if Nathan is fire and skin doesn't regenerate after fire. Meh. If I am good at this, then maybe he won't leave and we can have some sort of ridiculous long-distance relationships. I hate those and yet I know if he proposes it, I'll say yes after kicking and screaming. Anything will do.

I am not going to call him tonight for once ... I'll just send him a message.

Told you I am disgusting. And to scrape even more idealism off this, we have never said "I love you" to each other. We either protect ourselves equally or... he doesn't feel it yet. I know I do. Why else would I be this hysterical? I am just a bit tired of waking up to an empty bed after another night dreaming of him.

Hmm. Maybe it's time to jump into another level of pathetic. I could sneak out of school, go to his hotel, spend the night with him then sneak back. I wouldn't feel lonely anymore and I could see him more during the course of the day.

I just realized people actually suspect that there's something more going on between the two of us. The rumors are flying high about the possibilities of the queen of the school and the bum hooking up for more than sex and that it actually has been happening for a while now. If they'd knew half of it (which I think they might suspect), they'd have a ball.

Yes. I will drink more to shut the hell up and stop thinking.

Back at Buenos Aires

2007-08-19T22:42:00.000-07:00

Returning once more to civilization. Mind you, I enjoy the mountains and the wilderness more than you would believe. It's a long story about my childhood and I am not into it right now. I am merely happy to be here. I have a better room this time; I can look out into the city's landscape.

In a matter of days I will be back to a horrible reality. I don't want to. I am getting so tired of doing this constant tug-n-pull with Father. It's emotionally exhausting and my fuses are dead. However, I am going to extend my trip for a few days to both rest and do a few more business ventures.

Martin, my cousin, heard that I was in town and picked me up at the airport. His company has been a welcomed change of pace. I can act like a hermit sometimes. He invited me out to dinner. That was short-lived considering it was a MEAT RESTAURANT with the carcass of the poor cow on display. My blood sugar dropped and I almost fainted. I really can't see anything so gruesome and barbaric. He finally got the clue after I nearly seized and took me to a rare sight here, a vegetarian restaurant. Later he confessed that even if he's always known I am a vegetarian, he loves seeing how I act when I see 'dead cows'. >>

As you can see he can be a bit of an arse in that sense like most boys. He thinks I can be ridiculous in my ways and superstitions, along with the rest of my family. Alas he is the most understanding of them and also the most free spirited. Or well... as free spirited as the Reinards can be. He's in Buenos Aires finishing an MBA before taking over his father's business in Wales. Sounds familiar, no? I guess this is an age-old tradition in any family. Along with infidelity.

He insists that I need to liven myself up. He's throwing a party for me later tonight so I can mix it up with the Argentine scene. I am honestly excited. I feel it's been eons since I last went to a decent party (office parties DO NOT count).

I still haven't asked Rink if he would walk me down the aisle. I don't understand why I am so afraid he'll say no.

Poisonous Infection

2007-08-16T01:12:00.000-07:00

Wedding arrangements are officially completed and done with. Every single tiny bloody little detail has been bought, reserved and otherwise acquired. The only things I am missing are my something blue, something borrowed, something old and something new. Though I'll arrange for that soon. The date is creeping by surreptitiously so it's all a matter of counting down the days. I threw away my calendar because it was making me panic and that is not one of the things that I need right now.

Skiing cleared my mind. Actually, drunken skiing cleared my mind. It was fun, dangerous but wicked. I felt overtaken by the need to resolve things quickly. Over and done with. No need to put things on hold; no need to be afraid of such things whatever the outcome may be. Whatever happens, happens. Obviously I get pissed at the many insinuations made my way but mostly I am discouraged by the OVERWHELMING lack of interest. On everyone's behalf.

If it's so unimportant, so mundane and out of the ordinary, then by all means, why do it? To please me? Like if such things didn't come with a price. I enjoy the desire to please me. I do. It's utterly selfish by all means, like myself. However, I am exhausted of having to carry this torch and fend off the unbelieving all at the same time. Weddings are such tiresome affairs, especially when everyone is betting against you and your happiness. And the testing is getting on my nerves.

But very like me, I forgot to read the rule book about weddings. About what they are supposed to be, what they are supposed to mean and how they are supposed to feel. Excuse me for wanting to do things MY WAY, since that's the theme. I had a whole list of people to blame, now it's useless to me. I used to think I was special and only I have proved me wrong, says my favorite song. And it's true. I am fooling myself constantly. Who am I kidding? What kind of normal woman doesn't think about her wedding? It's practically what sets apart the girls from the boys and instead of defending, I crumbled. My will bended. I wanted to please and believe that I could slide into the normal side unnoticed.

I am not normal. I didn't dream of a wedding, I didn't dream of a family or someone to love me. So you know what, take it or leave it. Dreaming is expecting and since very young, I've known better. And I still do. I know better than to believe but I chose to either because I am entitled to regain some part of innocence. Most importantly, I want to. It's my choice to live with.

My life has been composed of mistakes. Painful, excruciating mistakes. I don't regret making any of them and I won't start regretting now. So stop protecting me, it makes me think you believe I am an idiot when I am not. Loving is not supposed to be a sign of weakness though it is CLEARLY a perfect tool for manipulation. It's forced me to learn patience and achieve a level of understanding.

Only understanding feels like I am being cheated and shoved aside because I will try my best to understand. Bollocks. Pure bollocks.

Because in your eyes, I am weak because I love. I am weak because I chose to wait and because I dare believe in a human being aside from myself. I am weak because I created expectations and force people to comply. I am weak because I want to be happy with a man that I love and that according to you, isn't worth me suddenly. Loyalties are a funny thing with me. They are practically non-existent. Fine. You along with every other human being that has crossed my path has proven to me, over and over, that nothing can be perennial with me. I have no one to blame so stop shoving that venom down my throat. Stop saying things I already know.

Please. I am realistic. I know how things aren't going to magically get better with the blessing of a marriage. And why OH WHY am I being tortured for actually looking forward to what magazines describe as the happiest day of my existence? Excuse me for the excitement. I know it's easier to digest me when I am poisoned with hate, jealousy and a strong feeling of abandonment that makes me snap at people. A happy me is like a lethargic Caterina. It isn't NATURAL.

So in the end, let's make a compromise. I do as I wish, I get married and do my best to make it work. You, soak on your crap and your resentment and your inability to demonstrate any affection or emotion, other than indifference. But do not worry. You don't need to walk me down the aisle, Father. That'll be my lesson for disobeying you as I did, that'll be the perfect scar for me right?

Fuck no.

Let's be realistic again. You wouldn't miss the photo op.

I won't stop the marriage and even if I get "STOOD UP" with everyone watching, which I am sorry, do you think he is some kind of a coward? Were he to cancel this he would do it PRIOR but hey, according to you men don't care about any of this. And to finish this up because it's not helping my broken rib feel any lighter, do you know why you think he might cheat on me? Because YOU did it first to mom, because you still do it and you are quite the moron to believe that we don't know it. So yeah. Sorry to tell you that everything I look for in a man, is exactly the opposite of what you are and what you will ever be. So very sorry it kills you that I think I found him.

That's a summary of our brief but lasting encounter. I said it all. It sobered me enough. My cheek doesn't sting anymore so that's good.

Bariloche Chatter

2007-08-13T18:21:00.000-07:00

The warm, tingling sensation spread through my body effortlessly as I tightened the grip around my bottle. The tiny specks of winter, falling in the middle of August serve as another welcomed member to my party. I am lucky to be here, so far from every part of reality that seems to torment me without a moment's rest. Here in the secluded Llao Llao Hotel, no one bothers me. Nothing but gray skies, a glossy lake and the deafening silence that stretches before me. The occasional swish from the contents of my bottle makes me giggle. And to think this was a gift for my father from the lovely business associates he makes me meet and prep and swoon over to our line of fine products, that undoubtably raises the standards of any kind of congregation.

Sorry. The speech is just so rehearsed that I can't help but fall into it when I start thinking about it. I am giggling about it again. Oh their faces were priceless when I swooped into that room. It's quite satisfying to see the expressions change from man to man. Logically, they wouldn't expect a skirt traipsing into the office though after assessing with their eyes, they don't seem to regret it. I am pretty after all.

What does money matter when there is pretty in the office?

My plane ride was delayed though I didn't care one tinsy bit. I am quite happy to report that I am no longer alone in my trip. I have the pleasant company of Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker and Chivas Regal. We met up at the hotel and I was of course smitten by them. The lads are old friends of mine! And their company is so delightful, they dispose of any kind of reservation or ill-feeling sentiment in me.

I am also feeling... rather naughty. That stack of papers in my cute little table is looking like fuel for my chimney. Thick, ripe papers with endless (useless too!) information and contracts and all sorts of engagements. Dare I say it, there might some checks too! :o You see that's what bad about work, it reproduces itself.

Oh that swish is so funny.

I feel so rejuvenated now and so pleasantly numb! I am no longer thinking about how the snow reminds me of 'people' and how skiing reminds me of more 'people' and how I wish other things would remind me of 'people'. Hmm. I don't know who is more confused by that sentence. Me or you. Though my vision is getting rather impaired. Oh no wait. The sun is going down. Yes. That makes more sense.

Now off to the tub; hoping I won't drown in it. I have reservations at Il Gabbiano apparently with someone that booked them for me. I love surprises the x I's right now: unpredictability, instability and improbability! Oh wait. The first letter was an "u". As if you really care right now. ;)

...and if you do, don't. I don't care about anything or anyone right now :D

Uncovering Memories

2007-08-13T01:43:00.000-07:00

I found these while I emptied my purse.

It's me. Back in high school... with Nathan's band...

This brings back... so many memories. He took these. Though I don't have many pictures with Nathan back in high school. Just one that I keep with me always.

I miss him. Every day. Every second. All the time. ><

AH! Back to drinking and dialing Caterina's phone until she answers.

Uneventful

2007-08-13T00:12:00.000-07:00

So I didn't exactly go directly to see Harry Potter.

I stopped by the Artisan Fair in the Plaza that is walking distance from the hotel. True, the myriad of rusted kiosks and bums wandering about, dancing to the unsteady beat of the drums didn't exactly tickle me but I put the snob inside me aside and browsed. I got gifts for the girls (Ashley and Caterina) and a little outfit for Steven. The boys were harder to find things for so I'll see what I get on Friday.

Practically on the same parameter there is this shopping mall called Buenos Aires Design. I got... curious. And the result of my curiosity ended in acquiring all the possible furniture I could ever dream or desire for my future home. Utterly avant-garde. I am in love with all the items I got. They'll be shipped to the UK in a few weeks which ultimately provides with endless entertainment for me, above the various details that are pending for the wedding.

I saw Harry Potter after with Dario. I couldn't think of going alone to the movies as a possibility.

Now I am re-packing. Tomorrow I leave off to Bariloche for some skiing. I left Nathan a message so he knows. He didn't pick up when I called. Katrina wants me to fly to Switzerland so I can meet with caterers, florists and the hotel people. Father attempted to contact me for some sudden 'contract' emergencies. Good luck to him.

Exhausted. That's what I am. And my Scotch is here. He'll cradle me to sleep.

Hoping to Grow Up

2007-08-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

The tango show didn't happen. Instead the business associate and myself had a nice, casual dinner at the impressive French restaurant, La Bourgogne. I rather liked how they prepared the salad there. It was exquisite to say the least. And the carrot and asparagus soup was to die for. He was quite polite for the most part, though it got incredibly uncomfortable when he started to blatantly hit on me. I quickly reminded him for the 11th time that I was happily engaged. He finally stopped when Dario cleared his throat loudly from behind, giving him a death glare.

After that I went back to the hotel room, watched Jurassic Park for the first time, which reminded me just WHY I hadn't seen it before. I talked to Rink last night and I wished for once that it didn't hurt as much whenever he touched me. I am still a little girl who wants to hold her brother's hand when she's sad or scared.

"By the way" he hugged me "I'm glad you found him"

I froze on the spot and felt so awkward. After I mentally severed our strong bond, the very fact that he touched me, that he thought of me as his little sister that's getting married. I am cynical. I thought for a second that maybe he was doing it because he was happy to get rid of me. But... I managed to see that he was actually happy. Ashley makes him happy. Steven makes him happy.

When I realize that I haven't grown up as he has, I felt so disheartened. However, I couldn't tell him. I just kissed his eyebrows and told him I was glad he was happy. Which I am.

I talked briefly to Nathan. He was God knows where, I just heard a zooming sound and the unequivocal "well got to go, talk to you later". A 'later' that never really comes.

Now I am going to see Harry Potter. Yes. Happy times.

Arrival at Buenos Aires

2007-08-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

Freshly cut yellow roses greet me as I go into my usual room in the ever so elegant Alvear Palace Hotel. Ironically this piece of Europe in South America is familiar to me. This hotel is practically a second house. My father's long-time lover resides here in Buenos Aires, so it wasn't strange whenever Rink and I had a sudden plane towards this city to see my father. Then again, he came more than I did and that's why he got involved with her once or twice. Frankly, I never wanted to know. I despise her enough as it is.

Though now, it feels... empty. Coming here alone has it's perks I remind myself. I am at peace and I can be in the cold (currently 4°C) that I so adore. But it's not the same.

Maybe it's the idiotic wedding mindset that's started to hit me. Suddenly I find myself craving company when I so normally disdained it. Everything here is so clean, so pristine and so beautiful to look at. Having no one to share it with suddenly bothers me.

Then I thought... why didn't I think of getting married here? Decadent. Gorgeous. It would be practical, just like it would be breathtaking. But no, Switzerland is going. ESPECIALLY AFTER ALL I'VE GONE THROUGH WITH KATRINA! >>

I would've liked to bring Steven here. Tomorrow is the "Dia del Nino" or Child's Day. He would've enjoyed it, because of all the pretty colors everywhere and bright balloons. Alas, I will go to the brunch in his honor and get cavities with the caramel-coated apples.

My sugar high is going down now. The exhaustion from the trip is starting to sink in. I better get in contact with Caterina, I haven't heard from her. I miss Nathan too... and this is the ridiculous part of the day in which I wonder what is it that he's doing. Or what is he thinking. Or if he's thinking about me...

AH! Bloody need for HUMAN CONTACT! ><

...

Update: So much for peace and quiet. Father arranged a meeting for me over a tango show with some Argentine associates. De-li-cious... >> I hate it that he tracks me down like a bloody puppy! Can you believe he even sent out Dario; our Argentine bodyguard since Rink and I were little children?! He's 'concerned' about my health which translates into 'is she working?'... ugh.

Half way there

2007-08-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

I am currently waiting for my plane to arrive so I can leave to Buenos Aires. I managed to sneak out perfectly from under my father's nose. And being a grown woman has allowed me to see that I depend heavily on many security things. Like... freshly baked cookies on a long trip and my adorable Cavalier King Charles puppy plushie (that I wish were real), Regal. That and two of my most trusted amulets.

Must go now. Bad thing about airports is that there is always a bloody mini mall everywhere! >< I am distracted!

A bit of gushing

2007-08-10T01:07:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted. I need to sleep but I am leaving in a couple of hours. I haven't finished packing even if I don't really care. I have Nathan with me. I am happy. This is the first time I'll be missing someone so much.

~sigh~

I am dying to get married. I need him near me more often than what I'd like to admit.

We already have a place. Or at least... it's the one we want. Daddy already agreed to help us out which is quite generous considering he is financing my wedding. It makes me all giddy.

Questions to ask before you get married

2007-08-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

I found this article on CNN.com and found it PERTURBING to see that a 90% of it, I can't even ANSWER! >< AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Question 1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question 2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question 3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question 4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?

Question 5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question 6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question 7: If one of us doesn't want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other's level of ambition?

Question 9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question 10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question 11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question 12: Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question 13: What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question 14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question 15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question 16: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question 17: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question 18: What are my partner's needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question 19: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question 20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other's choices?

.... see what I mean? AHHHH! I will eventually answer SOME right? ><

World Spins Madly On

2007-08-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

Ashley's journal has become a dumping ground for baby talk and father/mother/child word vomit. Fine, I know that new babies cause that reaction, especially the first born. My own father has a picture of the little boy in his study and makes sure to visit him at least once a week, always taking a new toy or contraption with him. Yes, he is weak for family and babies. And yes, he still loves his tradition-defying son.

Don't judge me. I am not big on babies. Never have been a warm, cuddly, family person. Though logically I can get infected by the happiness disease going around every now and then >> He is adorable. I'll tell you that. But I am NOT a baby person.

Me? Ugh. Having one hell of a great time planning my last minute escape-from-my-mother trip to Argentina. I need some cold weather and some desperate away-time from my family.

If you're curious about the wedding planner fiasco, I had a little encounter with her that straightened her and her intentions with my barely-there fiancé. It involved hair pulling and significant threats. I am glad to report she seems to be doing her actual job. As for my fiancé, I could've sworn it was him at that party I went to last night. Or the spirit of him trapped in that vile man's body who took it unto him to embarrass me in every possible way. He left before I could give him a piece of my mind. He did look hot though. ARGH.

And you know what, I am no longer going to go out with Ashley OR Caterina EVER! Or for a while. Because normally I end up pissed off beyond belief! >< Fate starts playing so that they are either pleased or happy and I am sucking on a lemon. Caterina actually hooked up with Eric on the Masqué because let's be serious, she would never french anyone the way she did if that wasn't Eric Delton.

Right now I am taking a much earned coffee break. After three morning meetings since 8 AM, two assholes who think that because I am a woman they don't have to respect me (guess being 20 doesn't help either) plus making sure I complete as much work as I can before I leave, I need it. I need time to unwind. Relax. Appreciate how beautiful, graceful, elegant and show-stopping I look on this fine, cloudy London day.

At this second, I am going to worry about the details to my imminent wedding and finalize the search for a place for us to live. Then I shall go to the store to select the things for the new house, send a copy of the catalog to Nathan's hands and see if he would like anything else. Then I will call Caterina for the fittings. And yell at her for going against the spirit of the Masqué.

Now. My delicious Irish Coffee awaits me with open arms.

Enervated

2007-08-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

I am TIRED and PISSED OFF. My week has been complete HELL. I hate everything and everyone at the moment! ESPECIALLY that runt of a wedding planner that is being shoved down my throat by every member of the male species that lives near me. My father says I can't fire the little flea. That would be on the highest offense in his book. Doesn't matter that she is my boyfriend's ex, doesn't matter that I am doing everything beyond me to keep up with the work he's assigned me and it sure as hell doesn't matter that I had to drop out of London College of Fashion because I can't handle the stress anymore. I can't. I CANNOT present TWO thesis!! Plus a FASHION SHOW.

I can't.

It has a reached a point that my stress has taken over me to such an extent that I actually went down to the supermarket, bought brownie mix and actually COOKED. And burned my left hand in the process. It's a small burn but it stings. Kind of like my whole life right now, yes.

Mr. Walker isn't doing it for me either. I am still so ANGRY! I need more alcohol. More, more and so much more that I pass out. Or throw up all over her Fendi purse.

As if it wasn't enough, in our lovely meeting she kept yammering about their (Nathan and herself) hot summers. Yes. PLURAL. And like totally there are like pictures to like prove it.

The mere sight of this picture makes me want to wretch. Anger, jealousy and denial all unfurl within my tiny chest. Must remain... objective and not glare at it so much that it might just spontaneously combust into flames.

The bloody woman isn't ugly. If she were, she would be denying both her beautiful parents. I wish she were despicable and an eyesore. She isn't. She's... oh hell no. I will not waste MY space to describe the thorn on my ARSE. >< She's BLONDE and THIN and PRETTY AND SPUNKY (like ALL blondes) and all I can think of doing is just drowning her.

Caterina do not dare to take any personal offense. Consider yourself lucky that you are the ONLY blonde I allow in my perimeter.

I am bloody pissed at Nathan too for running off and leaving me alone with her for 15 minutes and then deciding all-together that well, I don't really need HIS assistance and that I can handle her. HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW PISSED OFF I AM!? How DARE he leave me ALONE with this WOMAN!

And it gets WORSE! He SUGGESTED that I HOOK HER UP with one of my guy friend! What the hell am I?! HIS MAID?! Because if this is how it is then FORGET IT. I am NOT here to make nice with any of his ex-girlfriends! I am here to get RID of ex-girlfriends FOREVER! Now I have to "bond" with this woman because of who her parents are and because she is made of bloody porcelain and I can't hurt her!? ARGH.

If it were up to her I would get married in the nearest Motel 8 and eat KFC after the ceremony. Or just not get married at all.

Hell, I don't even know if she is in love with him. I don't want to know because it won't make any difference. I will not care for it. I hate doing things that I do NOT want to do.

Tired. Stressed. Exhausted. Hungry. Thirsty. Needy. Angry. Infuriated. Insulted. Denigrated. Insignificant. Amusing.

Wedding Planner

2007-08-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

My new wedding planner is my fiancé's ex-girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend he didn't properly break up with AND took her virginity from the looks of it. And ex-girlfriend who might be the first victim of my vicious murder tirade.

...so how has YOUR day been?

Engagements and painting

2007-08-02T01:05:00.000-07:00

I went to Lake Cuomo to see Nathan. He lifted my spirits considerably. After all, the fate he suffered is quite similar to mine. He told me about how he couldn't escape his destiny. Even if I believe that isn't his real destiny.

After the unplanned weekend getaway, I went to Father's office to talk to him. I did attempt to convince him otherwise, that I really wasn't right for this job. He thought I was escaping but he was considerably softer with me. He knew well enough he had cracked me.

It hurt that I wasn't given an option. I understand that Father is quite desperate to have someone in the family involved in the business. I do believe it's incorrect for him to force it down my throat. And I think it's terribly wrong that he disowned my irresponsible brother. Mind you, I am not being sarcastic. I don't want him to be on the street with nothing to his name. He is already making a family! It isn't fair to him.

When I got back to London, I was ordered to clear my desk at the mag. That was... strange. But quite beneficial since I took around... 10 bags of delicious designer stuff. I sent two over to Ashley's house, then four over to Caterina's and 4 for myself. Accessories, shoes, clothes... the works. Melinda didn't seem particularly thrilled nor affected that I was leaving her assistant-less. She didn't even say good-bye though she's a frigid cow so I am not surprised. She gave me a death glare then turned her back.

I accepted what was proposed to me. Judge me if you will for it, call me a coward and a chicken shit, I won't abandon my father. My sense of responsibility sometimes takes the best of me in these situations. His expectations are important to me. I told him that even if he didn't deserve me in the company, I would accept. But things were going to be my way if he wanted me to stay for long. He merely laughed.

Yes, that would've been the perfect way for this encounter to end. Not shortly after he stared at me curiously as I signed some papers.

"Veronique..."

"Yes Father?"

"Is that an engagement ring on your finger?"

I froze then lifted my head and smiled cutely at him. Yes. I am engaged. Yes. He asked me to marry him. ~dies a little death~

"Yes?"

"...you are engaged?" he repeated incredulously.

"Yes?" The cuter I am, the least likely he will hurl something at me.

"To who?"

"...my boyfriend?"

"That Nathan fellow?" he asked, skeptical. Ugh. I hate it when he calls him that.

"Yes Father. He asked me... this weekend. I didn't know how to tell you nor did I want to because you were so mean to me."

He looked pensive then stated carefully.

"So... he wanted to marry you... after you've been appointed as a board member of the most prestigious of Chateaus, therefore raising your net worth and your dowry?"

I gawked at him and stood up, utterly offended.

"Father! How dare you! He isn't doing this for my money! He is practically swimming in his own money as it is! Goodness, you're so crude!"

He looked at me as if I were a child.

"Are you eloping?"

"No"

"Do you love him?"

"Yes!"

"Does he love you?"

"Well yes, why wouldn't he?" I said arrogantly.

"Is that why he arranged a meeting with me?"

"I wouldn't know Father, we are both really busy to be discussing such things."

He kept staring at me as if trying to read more into me but he didn't get to. He lowered his glance, focusing on the papers before him. I sighed internally. That went... smooth. I don't think he is taking me seriously. ><

...

On less relevant news, I'm painting my flat. When I nervous, I drink. When I am having a breakdown because I am getting married when I thought I never would, I paint.

Taxing Tea Time

2007-07-29T10:03:00.000-07:00

I was all excited and hung-over today because I was going to see my father for Sunday Tea.

I have a weak spot for it. It reminds me of when my father used to take us all to the beautiful Palm Court at the London Ritz, where we filled our stomachs to our heart's delight with all the biscuits, sandwiches and cookies. After that we would go to Hyde Park and play. It just brings back such nice memories.

I met him at The Ritz London, went to the gorgeous Palm Court as it was custom and there he was, smiling, his azure eyes glistening from the second he saw me. Ever so handsome with his tweed jacket, the golden tie I had gotten him for Father’s day and that strong scent of both whisky and wood that appeased me. I love my daddy. He's always made me feel so lovely, as if he only had eyes for me. And he is so gallant and charming.

He stood up from his chair to give me a kiss on each cheek while saying my name in that low, crisp voice of his. I practically squealed with delight even if it would've been highly inappropriate considering my setting. I hardly see him, which seems to be a recurring theme with the men in my life.

He inquired about my life, my work, my brother and my sister (laughing when I involuntarily grimaced) and finally about my relationship.

Apparently, my father can be added to the list of people that don't believe I have a real relationship with Nathan. He thinks it's fleeting and strictly passionate, which made me frown. He hardly sees me, ergo he has no right to emit any kind of judgment over my love life or even my life in general.

"I am sure he is a delightful young man, Veronique and I will not ask you to make the same mistake your brother made in marrying so fast. I do commend you on keeping this relationship private. You are one of the few members of our family that hasn't completely lost their head in all that frivolousness."

I couldn't help but stare at him as if he were insane. He was saying that to me? To Miss Veronique Reinard? Um, the Queen of fashion? The Personal Assistant to Ms. Melinda Vlies, Chief Editor of the most prestigious and famous of all fashion magazines? The QUEEN of all that is FRIVOLOUS according to popular opinion?!

"...Right" was all that I could muster. I knew better than to snap at my father.

"The reason I invited you here was so we could discuss your future."

I put down my cup of tea, my mouth contorting into a frown. I already didn't like where this conversation was going. He sipped from his own cup.

"My future? Father, what--"

"I want you to be the head of Château Laforest."

My jaw dropped unceremoniously. First off, you don't hand over the control of a WINERY to a bloody alcohol-lover! Though I couldn't just tell him that. Besides, the entire idea was just... madness.

"Father, no. You can't be serious." I said, laughing lightly.

"Why not?"

Reason I just said. That and the business would go bankrupt in less than a month. I’d drink everything.

"Father, I..." I attempted to clear my head "That is Rink's birthright. He is your first-born and your only son. You can’t put me in charge."

"Rink denied his birthright the second he chose racing over the family business. And made it even more final when he married that girl in Las Vegas."

I saw the anger in his eyes, the outrage that threatened to overpower him. However, in true gentleman-like fashion, he took a deep breath and fixed his stare in my perplexed face, his fury drowning within him.

"But what about--" I tried to ask about my other sister, Rink’s twin.

"Do not get me started on Lorienne."

I remained silent. I couldn't believe it. It seemed surreal.

"Father. I have a life, a small yet significant life plan. I-"

"You are not destined to do small things."

"Why me!?" I cried out finally. I felt like a little girl, being shoved into a car to go to a trip I did not want to go. Exasperation was taking over me; the excitement that I started with was quickly dispersing.

"Veronique, you are the only responsible one out of our family. You have a strong head on those shoulders. Besides, why did you think your mother forced you to take Business Administration as a double major?"

I could not believe what he was saying. They had tricked me? Together? That wasn’t the correct thing to focus on.

"Father, you promised you wouldn't pressure me into doing things I didn't like!"

"It's time to grow Veronique. You are not a little girl anymore. You have responsibilities, things you need to look after. You won't be alone, I'll walk you through this entire thing-"

"No! Father no! This isn't fair to me, and it isn't fair to Rink! You have to talk to him! I know you’re mad at him but if you just attempted to put some sense into him-"

"Stop talking about Rink!" he slammed his closed fist unto the table. My eyes widened.

He took a deep breath and composed myself.

“Veronique, I didn’t come here to discuss this with you. I came to inform you and so you can give your two weeks notice at that silly job of yours.”

I felt my soul was sucked out of me and I was staring at myself from above, part of a bizarre experience. I had never seen my father this way. Nor had he ever emitted such mean-spirited opinions about what I did. Obviously, he had been hiding these things from me.

“No. No. No.” I said, shaking my head “I refuse. I am not going to be the Head of the Château! And I will not let you bully me into accepting it!”

My head was spinning, I felt so insulted and infuriated with him. How dare he do this to me. He knew how much I hated saying ‘no’ to him... how truly frightening it was.

“Veronique Elise, I am not about ready to give my company to some greedy idiot just because my children haven’t decided to make up their bloody minds in addition to being too selfish and conceited to wake up and realize that THIS is IMPORTANT.”

I bit my lip. I wanted to cry. He never spoke to me this way.

“Father, don’t raise your voice to me.” I pleaded.

“I raise my voice to whomever I so desire. You are nothing but an ingrate! Everything you are wear, the car you drive, the apartment you live in, the very food you eat, those endless shopping sprees are all possible because of the money we produce. Because of that company you show so little interest in. I ought to disinherit you for your arrogance.”

“...”

I felt so blindsided by his words, his aggressive mannerism... I couldn’t think properly. I just wanted to get as far away from him as I could. I couldn’t breathe. I focused on the ripples inside my Earl Grey tea and thought about Nathan, in Lake Cuomo and that he was waiting for me.

“Besides, you wouldn’t destroy Rink’s happiness by forcing him to work for me, would you?” he said lightly, taking a sip from his tea.

I looked at him, my chin up high in an attempt to keep the tears at bay.

“So my happiness isn’t as important as Rink’s?”

“Don’t be a child, Veronique. You know that’s not true.”

He finished his tea and dabbed his lips with his napkin. He stood up and bent to kiss my cheek. I moved my face away. He shook his head.

“Don’t do this to me.” He said, I could feel his stare on me. I didn’t care.

I picked up my purse and didn’t look at him.

“Thank you for the tea, Father.”

Then I left as quickly as I could. My mind was amiss. I wanted to get to as far as I could. I walked aimlessly, dialing numbers in my phone. Ashley... Caterina... Nathan... I hung up before they could answer. Anger, indignation, rage.

I took a taxi and headed to the airport. I needed to leave and level my head. This wasn’t so big. This wasn’t so big.

Right?

Don't Drink and Dial

2007-07-29T02:33:00.000-07:00

Back from Spiaggia. That was SUCH a boring party, omg. The highlight of my night was when I took Matt's cigarette and I took a drag. It was so strangely numbing and good. But I already have a vice so I can't take two. It'll kill me quicker. Hihi.

Yes. I am a bit intoxicated. :) Ok not a bit. A WHOLE LOT intoxicated.

I was looking up random information about alcohol and you know, I didn't know that Bailey's was a WHISKY. That made me so happy. Tee-hee.

I called him. I caved. That's why people say don't drink and dial. He was sleeping and I felt so guilty when I woke him up. He has long, working days. He has to travel a lot, all the time. He has to bear with the press. I shouldn't bother him.

I just ... miss him so much.

More alcohol. More drinks. Anything, to stop me from thinking.

Oh he called me back. Yay. :) We are talking. Now I want to cry. I really miss him. I hate, abhor, despise (and... all words that mean HATE) long distance relationships. They suck. Whoever tells you otherwise hates you and is lying. They either make you or break you. Hard to say what's happening to me right now.

I hope the Bailey's bottle will answer me.

Update: I am going to see him. Yay.

I Hate Birthdays (that aren't mine)

2007-07-28T23:22:00.000-07:00

I hate birthdays. I hate going to birthday parties when my boyfriend is ABROAD. I hate getting dressed up, going out and have about 5-10 guys hit on me, practically stuff their numbers in my pockets while I bluntly refuse them because I have a boyfriend that WORKS ABROAD. Most of them think it's a joke or just a line I use to get them to stop talking to me. There have been times I feel I am going insane and that I made Nathan up to satisfy my imagination and my need to have him near me. That's not too weird, considering everyone around me thinks it's a LIE.

ARGH.

I would stay in, bore myself out of my mind but I can't. It's Silke's birthday, she is a co-worker and I promised months ago that I would show up. Bloody commitments. I am running out of outfits I want to wear that are not exceedingly pretty so I can save the really saucy ones for Nathan. I am wearing this to the party.

Idiotic Caterina won't even pay attention to me when I seriously need to speak with her. This is the REASON I don't have any friends >< It's because they are either busy with men or PREGNANT or... something.

Great. Now I have to go. And still... no word on Nathan. Though my father left me a message. That made things seem a bit... lighter.

Another Day at Work

2007-07-28T17:38:00.000-07:00

I am still at work, angry and exhausted.

My boss, Melinda, just does not comprehend the fact that I am not Harry Potter, I cannot transfigure things nor do I possess a magic wand. She cannot fathom how I cannot fabricate a reservation in Villa d'Este in Lake Cuomo.

To be quite honest, if I could get a room, I would reserve it for myself not her. I know it's my job but goodness! I've been dying to get some space in there all summer. And then she got so bloody cross because her stupid car broke down and I had to go pick her up in a 2007 BMW instead of a 2007 Mercedes. As if that weren't enough, she practically tore a hole in my new Gucci skirt when she found out I had a boyfriend who worked in the hotel business.

She said to me, ever so disdainfully.

"Well then why don't you use him? What? Isn't he good for anything else other than keeping YOU satisfied?"

I stared at her, perplexed. Is she insane? Or just plain delusional?! I never speak of my boyfriend at work. It's not anybody's business because the minute they know WHO it is, it suddenly becomes EVERYBODY'S business. They want to know everything about him. It sure isn't my fault that he has a public life nor is it my fault that he is mostly on tabloids due to his many 'indiscretions'.

"Though don't you think he is too much of a man for you?" she added lightly. I practically spilled my 5th cup of Irish coffee on me.

Melinda is normally quite serious when emitting her opinions, though when they are not directly involved in fashion and management, they are quite frankly out of place and inappropriate. She fancies herself God and rather gets too much pleasure out of going through my mail to see if he sent anything to me. Of all bloody things! I swear next time I catch her doing so, I will jam the nearest pencil in her hand. Or do something similar that HURTS her. She has no right! NO BLOODY RIGHT!

Ok... I am seething. Must calm down.

And yet I must swallow these things in order to maintain my job though today she blew my fuse when she kept inquiring about Nathan after making me work on a Saturday morning and afternoon.

"Melinda, don't you have anything better to do? Like... running a magazine perhaps?" It came out like a snap.

She glared at me and went back her office, leaving me a copy of her growing Nathan-in-the-cover-magazine collection. I disposed of them immediately. Enough bollocks are being printed about him practically every day, more than I care to see and know about.

After that particular incident, she has made sure to make the remaining of my day a living hell. She killed today's Marc Jacobs shoot (after weeks of having everyone prepare for it) and has insisted in a new, out of the blue Dolce and Gabbana shoot with this particular 'Marina' theme for next month. She had left the clothing in my desk, under my ever so watchful eye and little did I know that Caterina had decided to BORROW it when she came to visit me, without my knowledge.

A NEW, practically UNOBTAINABLE OUTFIT from D&G EXCLUSIVELY for Ms. Melinda Vlies! I wanted to cry and thought of resigning the second she asked me about it. I lied instead, saying I had sent it to press. I practically flew out of my desk, into the nearest Dolce and Gabbana store, talked to the manager and managed to secure another identical outfit.

It saved my arse.

Though I swear, if I so much as catch Caterina, I will drown her in the Thames and then tear her body into several pieces and ship it all around the WORLD. And to make matters worse, I have not heard from Nathan ALL BLOODY DAY. >(

I am in a foul mood. Very very foul.

Distinctively Unnoticed

2007-07-26T01:16:00.000-07:00

He seemed like a man that wasn't going to stay for long in the same place. It seemed to go against his nature. The green flame in his eyes stirring on occasion, it's secrets so palpable it made you want to look away for intruding, for wanting to find out. Though he would grant you the odd feeling of his company just this once. You seemed particularly intriguing to him. Or perhaps that's just his fancy word for amusing. He settled in his chair, his eyes never leaving you, his lips curled into a still smile. Then he laughed. A good natured laugh. Or a laugh whose only purpose was to distract you. It did. You blush at the unexpected; he smirks at your reaction. He knew you would blush.

That is Nathan, a wisp of his essence. Small enough to make you curious, addicting enough to make you want more.

I won't use such clichés as "I fell under his spell" but whatever happened to me, it was closely related to that phrase. Even the mere fact that I dared to write about him seems so forbidden, so dangerous, so... thrilling. But it would be idiotic on my part not to, considering he is such an important part in my life nowadays. Believe me. I didn't expect him to be so.

Most people don't expect to fall in love when they do. Most of us had already given up on that fake notion of mutual appreciation when Cupid, the little dwarf with wings, decided to play a nasty trick and muddle our minds. Make us act in ways we never thought we would, just to impress and grab attention.

As it is I am quite narcissistic and I am not offended when people use that term as an insult. Please. I love myself enough to create a journal exclusively about my life, which is utterly self-centered. It's refreshing to see how people think of me. It reminds me of what I am built, of the putrid materials that make me who I am. That backstabbing bitch, boyfriend-stealing whore. I am everything everyone aspired me to be. I guess there must be some pride in those feelings. And there are.

I won't lie. My head swims with glee when people stare at me with hate, envy and an animalistic desire to murder me. I can't explain it.

Even if I am anxious at the moment, to the point that I veered off my own focus, I will regain it as of right now.

What scares me the most about all of this is the fact that I fell in love seemingly fast with a man I cannot say I know. It frightens me. Most people are easy to read. Yes. Even those who pretend to be difficult. They are, quite frankly, transparent. Nathan... is anything but.

He makes my heart beat faster, so fast it might suffocate me. He makes me forget my thought process. He makes me weak with anticipation (prior to him I thought I was a lively young lady, now I know I am a blood-sucking whore who practically depends on sex like it's food). The days that go by in which I do not see him might as well be nondescript and erased from my calendar. They do not exist for me.

It's frightening... it's Nathan... why wouldn't it be?

Distinctively unnoticed, deceptively within.

Facing the Storm Pt. 2

2007-07-25T01:11:00.000-07:00

"...I'm making my first demand" Nathan said, his stare was quite serious. "Clear things up with Eric tonight..." his frown stretched across his face. "Because I'm going to have a chat with him." he kissed my forehead quickly "I have to go to a meeting now, so see you tonight" then he left.

Otherwise, I don't think I would've ever gathered enough balls to do what I was going to do. It had never occurred to me, mostly because I hold no regards for anyone.

I went to Eric's office to sit down and have a little chat. A rather imposing office space didn't distract me from the purpose of my visit. He looked so powerful yet so lonely in that chair. I suppose my own incredulity over what I am doing swept me into being unaware of the fear that should've gripped me.

I confessed to him exactly what I felt, without much regard to my battered condition. I admitted the very truth of cores, how I desired Caterina's life and happiness all along. It wasn't as much that I wanted her existence, I wanted her life, her ability to shine through and have effortless perfection, have love without trying. The only and real reason I ever loved that man before me. The only reason I pursued him. I was naive. I was foolish. And impetuous with virtually no regards for anyone's feelings. Watching him waiting for her, day after day... I just needed my own happiness, so I stole it. I stole him.

My stream of consciousness didn't seem to affect him as I had thought. He seemed perplexed at first, then his expression began to change. Slowly it turned into an amused smirk, slightly perturbed as I spoke.

He looked at me and laughed, a good natured laugh I had hoped to interpret.

"Vero... Vero... Vero... truth is... I didn't really want to hurt you along the process. You were somebody that caught me off guard when I was on my lows. However, sweetheart, you have just freed me from the chains I tied around my own neck."

By this point I could feel my defenses inadvertently heighten. What on earth was he blabbering about?

"You see, the reason why I initially started to date you was out of revenge, revenge on Caterina's memory, revenge on the fact that she left me... but mostly because you were there when she hadn't been, and I needed someone. I won't deny that I care for you, because I do. You ARE, someone precious to me... however... as you might know at this point, you were a rebound, love."

I felt cold all over though not exactly surprised, for within some part of my being that I knew this already. But it didn't matter. I kept questioning my own endurance at this point. Though, surprisingly, I didn't feel exhausted or tired or used. I just... couldn't think. I was outside of myself.

"On the next occasions, when Caterina came to me... I felt a desire to hurt her back, denying my true feelings and my own selfish need of wanting her. I couldn't break YOU after you had served me, after you had willingly thrust yourself against the monster that I was but pretended not to be."

I could not believe Eric was saying these words. I could NOT believe it. Where was all this honesty before? What had inspired him to suddenly revive within his own soulless body? I swallowed. He looked as if he wasn't done speaking.

"Truth is Vero... that you learned to be with me... I dare not say that you love me... because I think you've known love through someone else, but that's a subject I'll address later. You cared for me, but all along... I thought about Caterina. I love Caterina. I was created to love her and be with her. Fact is, somewhere along the way I felt betrayed and hurt, and I tried to use everything against her. I wanted her to break, just like I had, but selfishly she never wondered what was going on with me. I HURT too. However, as the man, one must be strong, pretend nothing happens, nothing hurts. Veronique... and this I admit to you, because you are my friend, though I would understand if you never want to speak to me again, what I did through you, I'm doing now through financial strategies, binding her to me through debts and loans, and the world of businesses."

He looked momentarily to the side, as if gathering his thoughts then continued.

"All in all... I am a jerk, an asshole, a big stupid kid. Who's always wanted something, but has constantly found a reason to keep it at length. Veronique, you have sacrificed too much, you deserve your own happiness... You free me from my compromise to you, loving another, now I ask forgiveness for what you have had to endure."

Eric stood up from his desk, and knelt in front of me. I stepped back a bit, not expecting this. Then again, NOTHING of this conversation was expected.

"I'm so sorry, precious... I'm so sorry..." tears slipped down his face "But I love her... I choose her... I want to be with her... even if it kills me by the end."

I was so dumbfounded, shocked, I could only stare at Eric. I didn't say much after that. I remained very silent, weighing things that have no name in my mind. Torn between storming out or just crying or insulting him, instead I went towards him, didn't kneel but stroked his hair. I couldn't speak. I just cried, keeping with the theme of the week. We remained this way until he composed himself. Then I did what I do best, invited him to a drink so we could calm down.

...true that we ended consuming more dollars in alcohol than normal people should. (Two words: Blue Label) and yes, I didn't remember half of it the next morning (unless you call a hangover a memory) but at least we felt more comfortable near each other. We were too wasted to care about anything or anyone... anymore. That as always is very refreshing.

Facing the Storm Pt. 1

2007-07-24T17:45:00.000-07:00

Christian: ~kiss~ Caterina... <3
Caterina: ~stares at Christian~ don't you think that was a little.. um... out of place? ~blushes~
Christian: So? >>
Christian: Why would you worry about that?
Christian: She has her life, you have your own.
Caterina: Because! she's my friend!
Christian: Now she's your friend?
Caterina: ...
Caterina: but Christian... T_T
Veronique: Oh sod off Christian. Christ, why do you have to be such an arse?
Christian: Have you earned her friendship? Or have you weaseled your way into a sweet girl's heart?
Caterina: .... ~.... blinks at him~
Veronique: Whatever.
Christian: I don't pity you.
Veronique: Remind me the moment I asked anything from you.
Caterina: Christian stop... ~worried~
Veronique: All I am saying is that you need to leave her alone to care and worry over whoever the hell she wants.
Christian: Well, I am doing something no one else did--
Veronique: Control her? I think she's had plenty of that already.
Christian: No. Protect her.
Caterina: ..... ~eyes water~.....
Veronique: ...
Christian: She is constantly taken advantage of.
Veronique: Are you just saying that because she is your girlfriend?
Christian: Please, Veronique. Not everyone is as self-centered as yourself.
Caterina: ~dumbstruck but wants to stop him from hurling hurting words at Veronique but feels out of place if she does it, fidgets and stays quiet~
Christian: She is a loving human being. Whether I am with her or not, doesn't change the way I feel about her. She could be my wife or she could be my dearest friend, I would still watch her from harpies such as yourself.
Caterina: ~EYES WORRIED it's like don't call her a harpy!~ <--- but she can't say anything, she just..wants to defend them both ! argh! ><
Veronique: You're merely delusional.
Christian: And you are alone.
Veronique: ...
Christian: I am merely surprised of your call to defend her. It doesn't seem honest.
Veronique: And who are you to bloody judge what I do? When did I ever criticize her? Or badmouth her? Or mistreat her in any way?!
Caterina: ~covering her mouth wide eyed~
Christian: You have no right to start protecting her now. That is all I think.

Veronique: I don't care what you think. I am not about to let you have say in my life.
Christian: It's not your life that concerns me. You've been able to survive very well, all the self-induced tragedies.
Veronique: Are you calling her weak?
Christian: No. I am calling her innocent and unaware.
Veronique: Please. She's not a child!
Caterina: ~frowning... quiet... just holding her breath... stays calm.... this is not her place to speak and she doesn't want to give excuses, lowers her head slightly to think~
Christian: She has been forced to build her strength, she has gone through hardships you can't even begin to imagine, she had nothing in life and now that she has a chance for happiness everyone wants to rip it from her!
Christian: You grew up with everything money could buy and all you do is complain. Make something out of yourself. Might actually help you to copy her determination and will to succeed.
Veronique: ... And where does this all come from? You didn't show--
Christian: I demonstrated interest as soon as I saw her. And I've grown to see how she is, both good and bad, and I am enamored with her. As long as she is in my life, in any shape or form, I have nothing to fear nor do I have any reason to be unhappy.
Caterina looked at Christian worried.
Christian: Though, I'll give you kudos. You've managed to stay this far in the conversation instead of running away. You've grown some.
Christian: Or your pride and stupidity have skyrocketed. It's one or the other
Veronique: I hope you don't end up with her. And I hope that she achieves happiness without you by her side.
Christian: ~chuckles~ So it's the second one. Good to know that you haven't changed to someone I wouldn't recognize.
Caterina: ~staring in shock~
Caterina: why would you say that? ~frowning at Veronique but she looks fragile~
Christian: Because she wants to hurt me with those words.
Christian: She doesn't mean them. ~smiles sweetly at Caterina~
Caterina: ~still staring at Veronique~... who... who would you have me end up with? ~shaking slightly, looking for an honest answer~
Christian: Does it matter what she thinks?
Veronique: With whomever makes you happy and truly loves you beyond himself.
Veronique: But apparently you're surrounded by assholes.
Christian: Such words.
Caterina: So you don't think... that anybody right now makes me happy and loves me beyond belief? ~still a bit shaky~
Christian: ~quirks eyebrow at Veronique~
Caterina: ~holding herself~
Veronique: I know Christian... makes you happy. I know Christian has... truly worked for you and for your happiness. I know... ~voice breaks a bit~ he loves you. And I know... he'd give you the world.
Veronique: But I would be lying if I didn't say that Eric felt the same.
Caterina: That... ~eyes water~ is an assumption...
Veronique: Or at least, I always thought he did.
Caterina: So... do you love Eric?
Veronique: Well you're lucky enough to have a second chance and really get to know that man.
Christian: A man you stole.
Caterina: ...do you love him?
Veronique: ~shoots Christian a dirty look~ ... Not as you think.
Caterina: ...
Caterina: ~turns around and puts her hand on her forehead~
Veronique: We've been through a lot.
Caterina: right
Christian: ...are you ok?
Christian: ~kisses her head~ ...what are you thinking?
Caterina: ~crossing her arms~
Caterina: ~quiet~
Caterina: ~a bit shaky~
Christian: ~glares at Veronique momentarily then looks at Caterina~
Veronique: I know you still love him. You've told me several times.
Caterina: I also know he loves you... he made sure he told me several times... ~turns around and her eyes are watered~ and things are different now...
Caterina: and I .... ~chokes a little~ ... I just... ~picks up her things and had to leave~
Christian: So you are out to ruin everyone's life?!
Veronique: ... if you're half the man you claim you are, you'll know what to do from here.
Christian: And what is that... supposed to mean?
Veronique: She loves you obviously. Otherwise she wouldn't be that mess.
Christian: ... then why would you say those things to confuse her?
Veronique: Because she has a right to make a real choice, not one forced her. Suck it up Christian. You were second place and she bumped you to first because she just had to appreciate the effort you put into her. Let's face it, no one else has.
Christian: You have no right to call the shots in HER life!

..TBC. I can't deal with transcribing the rest at the moment. Truth be told, surprising to most, I've grown fond of the Austrian. So shoot me.

Love's Apologies

2007-07-24T05:08:00.000-07:00

I love Nathan. I am sorry. I love Nathan so much more. I love you, Nathan. I am sorry. I know I shouldn't. But I can't...

Wedding

2007-07-23T04:06:00.000-07:00

I have never felt so bad in all of my life. That was one of the worst weddings I've ever attended in history. Point period. I have been exposed to what 'love' is like for him and it has destroyed me. The look in his eyes, his intent attention to every detail as to make sure it would be perfect. It had a theme, for the love of all that is Prada! Chocolate. And he was all smiles. Everyone danced in a blur of fine wine and strawberries. Everyone intoxicated, everyone oblivious.

The lady that speaks, on the other hand, was going through one of the most horrifying experiences of her life. I was drunk. And Nathaniel had decided it was time to go our separate ways.

I panicked. Fear, pain, confusion and fury rose in my chest all at once. I was choking, barely able to breathe. The words he said, the not-so-subtle accusations... I have to close my eyes, breathe and not cry all over again. My eyes are too puffy.

"You don't love me do you?"

"Here I am paying $3000.00 dollar tickets almost on a weekly basis just to be with you and being supportive and understanding and breaking my back to be tolerant and understanding"

"It cost me a meeting at the Mandarin yesterday just so that I could arrive one day early and you were morose as usual"

"I sometimes wonder, if I crashed in a car, would you go so crazy like when Rink did? and he's family I know that... "

"I push 10,000 euros out of my savings account on travel expenses alone and it doesn't hurt me, and I'm not someone who's going to be holding back when it comes to gifts and surprises but it would be nice if I came back and you were half as excited to see me as you are to see a Chanel purse"

They cut right through me. Nathan, my Nathan was speaking to me that way. My Nathan was leaving me.. All the things I had been dreading over my coffee breaks, as I took notes of Melinda's diatribe, all the words I feared were thrown in my face without much ceremony. The emotions so strong, I was confused whether I was dying or heartbroken. Both felt the same. Definite. Deadly. His voice was monotonous while he talked, except when he deliberately shouted at me to proved that I loved him. I crumbled. I should've shouted back at him, insulted him, hurt him and then leave. But I couldn't. The mere thought that he would leave and I would never see him again kept me rooted to that spot.

I am deliriously in love with a man that is probably using me and that does not say that he loves me. I am but a puppet in his hands, sans will and afraid of the truth.

False Sense of Possessions

2007-07-22T15:02:00.000-07:00

I find myself at a loss for words, feeling like I am nothing more than yesterday’s rubbish being cleared. Promises are such weak things, barely there, barely breathing and so easily broken. I suppose I tend to remember things that most people consider obsolete, placing the blame on their childhood, for they had never made such promises had they known the facts. My brother was my most prized person, the only human being I deemed answering to because he deserved it. I have loved him through and through, a love that knows no bounds, a love that seemed undying. He was the first man in my life that fooled me into believing that he would never betray me, never as my father had.

Father is an adoring man, seemingly worthless as a parent due to his absences, he attempts to buy our love through gifts and constant rewards. Rewards we didn't even deserve, much less want. Nonetheless, we had grown accustomed to this repetitious act, allowing it to give him peace of mind and a false sense of security. I loved my father, perhaps more than he loved me. He was my prince charming... until I discovered he was having various affairs, same as my mother. They had both seemingly giving up on their marriage at the same time, no regards for their offspring and their happiness. No excuses for the absent Christmases, no explanations for the missed birthdays. Their children were not their life, merely an accessory.

All of my life, all I can remember depending on is Rink. He was my everything. He made me feel I was his everything.

I am not just anyone. I am not supposed to be part of the pile. I hate him for betraying me and for leaving me behind. I hate him... for getting married. For not even thinking or pondering that maybe I would’ve like to say goodbye to him or hug him or hold him for one last time before he turned into some man that would be unrecognizable to me. Someone else’s man. A father even. A man that won't have time for me anymore, a man who will ignore my existence until necessary. Logically, what the hell would he care about these things? It doesn’t matter to him. He’s happy, he’s married, he’s starting a new life away from me... why would he care I felt like he stabbed me and double-crossed me?

Indeed. Why would he.

Life is all a matter of stairs. Some go up, most of us go down. He went ahead, went to the best floor, got the best champagne and just... moved on. I wish I could say the same about my feelings for him.

Nobody needs me for them to be happy. And apparently no one could care less that I am enveloped in pain right now. Instead of wondering, asking and otherwise seemingly worried over my state; they jump to conclusions and leave me to die. Because it's easier that way, resolves the matter of getting one's hands sullied for someone else.

Trial

2007-06-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

He's on trial. Little fire on a stick is on trial until I deem him worthy enough to be my boyfriend again. If I ever reach such conclusion.

It's wasn't dramatic or angst-ridden, took him an entire week for him to realize that I am what he believes he wants. I still think he is too much of a brat and kid to know any better, though I appreciate his intent in making things semi-right again.

True, whenever I write here I feel very perused by everyone and anyone. Certain things might be expected of me or my words. It's an unsettling, highly annoying feeling. And before anyone dares to say anything, I know what I have done, I know what I did and I know what I took. I know I didn't play fair. I am aware of who I hurt in the process of taking over the world, and just because I did it doesn't mean I am proud of causing pain.

Surprising isn't it?

I believe in respectful distance, I believe in taking in what you deserve and I also believe in standing your ground when spitefulness turns to abuse. Though a very old saying goes "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time."

I am doing my time.

Hm. This seems like a good point to stop.

...right

2007-06-24T02:12:00.000-07:00

After a hell of a weekend, or rather prior to that infernal weekend, we broke up. Beautiful that all my doubts and suspicions were confirmed. Oh and I'm sorry, HE broke up with ME. He needed a 'break'. Right. Or more like 'freedom' to do as he pleased.

I don't like to cry for things that shouldn't be worth crying over. So, even if I've felt the urge to do so, more often than not overtaken by that suffocation that comes before you're having a meltdown... I won't. I don't want to. So I'll resist it. It's the best thing to do at this point. And I'll manage to silence the endless "why?", "what if...?", "how come?", "revenge?" once and for all. Or at least for a little while.

You could say I am in denial or that it hasn't hit me... or whatever blubbering nonsense comes to your mind. I don't have the time to deal with any of these emotions, except for the anger and the humiliation and the growing feeling of utter hate and abhorrence.

It would be easier, steadier and all around bearable if I had my big brother with me right now. If he wasn't mad at me. He knows well enough how much I love him, and how easy he hurts me, and how I wish I could take it back how I talk to him. However... if we were to start pointing fingers, I deserve it.

I deserve each and every single thing that has happened to me. So I am not crying over it. You take it at all in, you swallow it. Because otherwise, you become a victim of circumstance. And I am anything but a victim.

On other notes, demons are ugly.

Getting a few things straight

2007-06-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

I live and breathe under the scrutiny of those I surround myself with. Perhaps it's because I am beautiful and very popular, because I am spoiled rotten and can be a little bitch, because I have a gorgeous boyfriend. Or had, considering I haven't seen him as much as I would've liked or even talked to him in ages. But we won't discuss this now. It's very basic what I want to say.

Yes. I came in and I conquered the infamous Eric Delton, I swooped him from under his feet and made him forget all about his crush/love idea with Caterina Stocker. Yes, of course I did it on purpose. After all, I raised my pretty little finger, pointed at him and said "you, you are going to be the guy I am going to fall for". Indeed. That is AFTER ALL how we all fall for guys/girls. That makes a lot of sense.

Yes. Once she knew, I respected her feelings for the friendship that might've been. We've never been close or even said more than two words to each other since we've met. I never, once rubbed it in her face that I had him as my boyfriend, I never blatantly kissed him or acted with him in anyway that would be offending or even hurt her more. It was more than enough to see how she directed these tirades towards me in her little journal. Again, I respected that. She wanted me to jump on her and scratch her eyes out, but let's be honest. I had no intention nor real reason to do so.

Yes. I do smell her perfume on him when he walks into the student council meetings. He doesn't dare to look at me in the eyes and leaves as quickly as the meeting is done with. He used to stay, kid around, talk to me.

Yes. I suspect. A lot. Almost sure I can sense what's going on but I won't jump to conclusions. Not exactly very lady-like, but perfectly woman-like.

Yes. It is amazing how things go around and come around. I wonder if that might actually be a karmic payment for what I did against it. Then again, I don't think karma works that way if the other person does the acting herself.

Yes. Caterina, I know your secret.

My Journal

2007-06-14T16:53:00.000-07:00

My name is Veronique Reinard Lexington. Though I think it's quite obvious by now. I've been persuaded to write in one of these, even if I don't see what the big deal is. Nonetheless, here it is. My journal. I can smell the trouble already.