Panic Attacks

I had a panic attack last night. It was random and out of the blue. It made me realize what a stupid, horrible person I am.

I started thinking about where my brother was. About where Caterina was and why she didn't stay over. About how quiet the house was and how no one lived here anymore. How I was the only one left. About how Nathan was doing and if he was dreaming and thinking of me. Then all those words that didn't come out during his visit, choked up in my throat then catapulted to the pit of my stomach. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't cry for help. I couldn't reach my phone to call him. I just sat there, in my big bed, holding my chest and crying.

I wanted him to stay and spend the night with me but I was too coward to ask him anything. As it was, I asked him to hide our relationship and I wore a single's ring that I had gotten from Sasha. He didn't yell or seem bothered. He merely asked for one. That made me feel worse. Or whatever other word is worse than worse. He made nachos. He watched Sex and the City with me and held me close. It felt so strange but good. I really, really didn't want him to leave. But my pride, my infamous Reinard pride, wouldn't let me speak. I just kissed him goodbye and told him to drive safe.

Caterina then appeared. Christian was going to swing by to have a talk and she was waiting with me. She then asked me something that caused more pain to my stomach. What is it about Nathan that has me this way? And worse, why is it so unbelievable and unrealistic for me to like him, let alone love him?

Then it hit me. He's too normal for me. He cooks, he smiles, he cracks a joke and loves his mom. How could I be attracted to him? He's not dangerous (or at least he hasn't been with me), he's not even with me for the sex, he can't parade me around because I won't let him, I have to practically force him to have sex with me and he always wants to talk.

When did this happen? Why is it so hard and why do I have to explain that I am in love... perhaps?

Way too scared of that word. It's the secret password to all of my relationship screw ups. The I love you also known as permission to fuck me over and use me to your convenience. I guess that's why he's too normal for me aka too good for me. But I am greedy. I feel greedy when I see him (that is when I am not STUPID). I want him to be mine, all mine. I want a Michel/Thierry. But... how can I even want this when I am not even allowing him to be publicly my boyfriend? It started out as a protection for my reputation and it has quickly evolved to a little treasure chest that I'll be damned if anyone touches.

Which then makes me think of Ashley. And how I want to kill her.

I am hungry. I haven't heard from him. I am obsessing.

WHY is he so together?! Wasn't he a mess like me?! Wasn't he NATHAN SATAN?! Oh that's too low. I can't believe I am bashing him because I can't deal with the fact that I have very strong feelings for him. Normally I don't care if the guy doesn't love me. I'll love for us both but now... I really wish he would... oh that made me think of bell pepper omelets and those other girls and how he probably was nice to them too. ARGH. I can't.

Hungry. FOOD. Obsessing. Sex and the bloody dry CITY. Why weren't you HERE Caterina?!