Promise Not To Promise Anymore

Angry. Wounded. Can't sleep. Need to let it out.

Both my paranoia and my insomnia have set up a permanent residence in my mind. Neither wants to give in. They both want me for themselves. Too much going on around me. I haven't the slightest clue of how I am supposed to keep up. I'm doing my best... which according to some doesn't amount to much but I keep doing it anyway. Haters to the left as Michel says.

Here's the dish before Gossip Guy breaks the news and makes all the sordid details public.

I'm single again.

Kyle and I are broken up. For real this time.

Spoke too soon in that last entry of mine nearly a month ago. Everything went downhill after that. I guess that's my reward for saying those dreaded three words to him.

Mother was really happy. So happy she sneaked into Kyle's bedroom to do the nasty.

It started out small enough. Someone came back into our lives and his attention shifted as it always does when something new walks by. But this time, the attention didn't waver. It didn't take a quantum physicist to realize he was in love. With my zomg so much perfection in a person! sister. Yes. It just got juicer. He finally found love and he wanted out of this relationship. That was a good enough reason for me or would've be under any other circumstance.

Rest assured, I didn't think of him as husband material. Those two marriages in Vegas don't count. Yes, two. We did one on the down-low. It was naughty, fun and unpredictable. Like we were once a upon a time. We have similar temperaments which allowed our relationship to really blossom against all odds. We were honest with each other no matter how hard or how painful.

So when I found out he was deliberately withholding information from me (important personal information), I knew I had a big problem in my hands. Kyle wanted out and he had no idea of how to go about it.

I've used my fair share of people. Not once have I regretted it.

This time I was the one being used. Still don't know how to feel there.

I expected that from everyone but him. He was supposed to be my best friend. The one person I could trust. The one person I could be myself with and receive no judgment for it. Suddenly the love and the friendship that had grown between us for two years had all but vanished. Somehow, without my knowledge, I had been downgraded to second class citizen in his eyes.

It still stings.

When I am fine, I am fine. When I am not and I find myself missing the only source of comfort I've had in a long while, I want to hurt him. I want to destroy his newfound source of happiness. That would be the only real way of hurting him. This horrible creature (o hai real me~) takes over me and I want to see him on the floor. I want to see him unhappy and broken, like me.

But...

That's the pathetic thing about love. It stops me. It makes me realize that hurting him would hurt me because beyond my agony, I still love him. I haven't downgraded him to second class citizen like he did with me.

How easy it is for people to dispose of me. I thought friendship meant 'forever' not 'until someone better comes along'.

Believe it or not, I still wish I could go to him and listen to him talk. About himself, about his life, about anything. Guess I am really the stupid one in the end.

Because tonight, while I was butchered, skewered and biting the bullet for someone I loved even more, I held my head along with the tears to throw some acid back. I thought it was the words being hurled at me... then I realized much to my horror that it wasn't just that. Those words still haunt like the hours that are going by that taunt me because I won't sleep but... it was the realization that no one was going to be on my side anymore. I missed him. I wished he would've popped when I walked back to my house at 5 am. He didn't have to hug me or even talk to me. Just a look of 'hang in there'.

Guess it was my fault. I might have tricked myself into believing our friendship was real and not just a decoration to take the edge off the phrase "we fuck and we like it".

That reminds me. Lucille and I had a fight earlier (prior to midnight) because she did something a friend would do. She had taken my side in an argument with someone else. Worry not, I rectified it immediately by swallowing her whole. Not because she had defended me but because she had hurt someone dear to me while trying to help me.

I told you I was stupid.

She listened as I unloaded on her. She jumped off a bridge to take the steam off the argument. I am not embellishing. Then she got dressed and headed to the party she was expected to go. It was good to know she was still a trooper.

Kyle's my ex now. Expecting him to be there for me, to be my friend was perhaps too much on my behalf.

I'm going to be acting out these days. My birthday is coming up. I don't want to do anything. Mother wants to celebrate it for all the wrong reasons. Personally, I want the Grim Reaper to pick her up.

Christian is an asshole but Nathaniel loves him so I have to love him too. Or at least tolerate him more than I do.

I have no idea how I am going to get along with Rory. My feelings might be a little too intense for someone as delicate as her. Or as my mother puts it, too soiled for someone like her.

I'm going out. Time to find a bar that is open after hours. Wandering is also fine by me.