Poisonous Infection
Wedding arrangements are officially completed and done with. Every single tiny bloody little detail has been bought, reserved and otherwise acquired. The only things I am missing are my something blue, something borrowed, something old and something new. Though I'll arrange for that soon. The date is creeping by surreptitiously so it's all a matter of counting down the days. I threw away my calendar because it was making me panic and that is not one of the things that I need right now.
Skiing cleared my mind. Actually, drunken skiing cleared my mind. It was fun, dangerous but wicked. I felt overtaken by the need to resolve things quickly. Over and done with. No need to put things on hold; no need to be afraid of such things whatever the outcome may be. Whatever happens, happens. Obviously I get pissed at the many insinuations made my way but mostly I am discouraged by the OVERWHELMING lack of interest. On everyone's behalf.
If it's so unimportant, so mundane and out of the ordinary, then by all means, why do it? To please me? Like if such things didn't come with a price. I enjoy the desire to please me. I do. It's utterly selfish by all means, like myself. However, I am exhausted of having to carry this torch and fend off the unbelieving all at the same time. Weddings are such tiresome affairs, especially when everyone is betting against you and your happiness. And the testing is getting on my nerves.
But very like me, I forgot to read the rule book about weddings. About what they are supposed to be, what they are supposed to mean and how they are supposed to feel. Excuse me for wanting to do things MY WAY, since that's the theme. I had a whole list of people to blame, now it's useless to me. I used to think I was special and only I have proved me wrong, says my favorite song. And it's true. I am fooling myself constantly. Who am I kidding? What kind of normal woman doesn't think about her wedding? It's practically what sets apart the girls from the boys and instead of defending, I crumbled. My will bended. I wanted to please and believe that I could slide into the normal side unnoticed.
I am not normal. I didn't dream of a wedding, I didn't dream of a family or someone to love me. So you know what, take it or leave it. Dreaming is expecting and since very young, I've known better. And I still do. I know better than to believe but I chose to either because I am entitled to regain some part of innocence. Most importantly, I want to. It's my choice to live with.
My life has been composed of mistakes. Painful, excruciating mistakes. I don't regret making any of them and I won't start regretting now. So stop protecting me, it makes me think you believe I am an idiot when I am not. Loving is not supposed to be a sign of weakness though it is CLEARLY a perfect tool for manipulation. It's forced me to learn patience and achieve a level of understanding.
Only understanding feels like I am being cheated and shoved aside because I will try my best to understand. Bollocks. Pure bollocks.
Because in your eyes, I am weak because I love. I am weak because I chose to wait and because I dare believe in a human being aside from myself. I am weak because I created expectations and force people to comply. I am weak because I want to be happy with a man that I love and that according to you, isn't worth me suddenly. Loyalties are a funny thing with me. They are practically non-existent. Fine. You along with every other human being that has crossed my path has proven to me, over and over, that nothing can be perennial with me. I have no one to blame so stop shoving that venom down my throat. Stop saying things I already know.
Please. I am realistic. I know how things aren't going to magically get better with the blessing of a marriage. And why OH WHY am I being tortured for actually looking forward to what magazines describe as the happiest day of my existence? Excuse me for the excitement. I know it's easier to digest me when I am poisoned with hate, jealousy and a strong feeling of abandonment that makes me snap at people. A happy me is like a lethargic Caterina. It isn't NATURAL.
So in the end, let's make a compromise. I do as I wish, I get married and do my best to make it work. You, soak on your crap and your resentment and your inability to demonstrate any affection or emotion, other than indifference. But do not worry. You don't need to walk me down the aisle, Father. That'll be my lesson for disobeying you as I did, that'll be the perfect scar for me right?
Fuck no.
Let's be realistic again. You wouldn't miss the photo op.
I won't stop the marriage and even if I get "STOOD UP" with everyone watching, which I am sorry, do you think he is some kind of a coward? Were he to cancel this he would do it PRIOR but hey, according to you men don't care about any of this. And to finish this up because it's not helping my broken rib feel any lighter, do you know why you think he might cheat on me? Because YOU did it first to mom, because you still do it and you are quite the moron to believe that we don't know it. So yeah. Sorry to tell you that everything I look for in a man, is exactly the opposite of what you are and what you will ever be. So very sorry it kills you that I think I found him.
That's a summary of our brief but lasting encounter. I said it all. It sobered me enough. My cheek doesn't sting anymore so that's good.
Skiing cleared my mind. Actually, drunken skiing cleared my mind. It was fun, dangerous but wicked. I felt overtaken by the need to resolve things quickly. Over and done with. No need to put things on hold; no need to be afraid of such things whatever the outcome may be. Whatever happens, happens. Obviously I get pissed at the many insinuations made my way but mostly I am discouraged by the OVERWHELMING lack of interest. On everyone's behalf.
If it's so unimportant, so mundane and out of the ordinary, then by all means, why do it? To please me? Like if such things didn't come with a price. I enjoy the desire to please me. I do. It's utterly selfish by all means, like myself. However, I am exhausted of having to carry this torch and fend off the unbelieving all at the same time. Weddings are such tiresome affairs, especially when everyone is betting against you and your happiness. And the testing is getting on my nerves.
But very like me, I forgot to read the rule book about weddings. About what they are supposed to be, what they are supposed to mean and how they are supposed to feel. Excuse me for wanting to do things MY WAY, since that's the theme. I had a whole list of people to blame, now it's useless to me. I used to think I was special and only I have proved me wrong, says my favorite song. And it's true. I am fooling myself constantly. Who am I kidding? What kind of normal woman doesn't think about her wedding? It's practically what sets apart the girls from the boys and instead of defending, I crumbled. My will bended. I wanted to please and believe that I could slide into the normal side unnoticed.
I am not normal. I didn't dream of a wedding, I didn't dream of a family or someone to love me. So you know what, take it or leave it. Dreaming is expecting and since very young, I've known better. And I still do. I know better than to believe but I chose to either because I am entitled to regain some part of innocence. Most importantly, I want to. It's my choice to live with.
My life has been composed of mistakes. Painful, excruciating mistakes. I don't regret making any of them and I won't start regretting now. So stop protecting me, it makes me think you believe I am an idiot when I am not. Loving is not supposed to be a sign of weakness though it is CLEARLY a perfect tool for manipulation. It's forced me to learn patience and achieve a level of understanding.
Only understanding feels like I am being cheated and shoved aside because I will try my best to understand. Bollocks. Pure bollocks.
Because in your eyes, I am weak because I love. I am weak because I chose to wait and because I dare believe in a human being aside from myself. I am weak because I created expectations and force people to comply. I am weak because I want to be happy with a man that I love and that according to you, isn't worth me suddenly. Loyalties are a funny thing with me. They are practically non-existent. Fine. You along with every other human being that has crossed my path has proven to me, over and over, that nothing can be perennial with me. I have no one to blame so stop shoving that venom down my throat. Stop saying things I already know.
Please. I am realistic. I know how things aren't going to magically get better with the blessing of a marriage. And why OH WHY am I being tortured for actually looking forward to what magazines describe as the happiest day of my existence? Excuse me for the excitement. I know it's easier to digest me when I am poisoned with hate, jealousy and a strong feeling of abandonment that makes me snap at people. A happy me is like a lethargic Caterina. It isn't NATURAL.
So in the end, let's make a compromise. I do as I wish, I get married and do my best to make it work. You, soak on your crap and your resentment and your inability to demonstrate any affection or emotion, other than indifference. But do not worry. You don't need to walk me down the aisle, Father. That'll be my lesson for disobeying you as I did, that'll be the perfect scar for me right?
Fuck no.
Let's be realistic again. You wouldn't miss the photo op.
I won't stop the marriage and even if I get "STOOD UP" with everyone watching, which I am sorry, do you think he is some kind of a coward? Were he to cancel this he would do it PRIOR but hey, according to you men don't care about any of this. And to finish this up because it's not helping my broken rib feel any lighter, do you know why you think he might cheat on me? Because YOU did it first to mom, because you still do it and you are quite the moron to believe that we don't know it. So yeah. Sorry to tell you that everything I look for in a man, is exactly the opposite of what you are and what you will ever be. So very sorry it kills you that I think I found him.That's a summary of our brief but lasting encounter. I said it all. It sobered me enough. My cheek doesn't sting anymore so that's good.
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