Tangled

Someone has got to write a manual on how to deal with people and then spread it around like a disease to see if anyone bothers to read it. Then maybe they learn TACT. Yes, I am Veronique Reinard and I am utterly heartless. I suppose TACT is something that is unavailable to a bitch like me. It's the air of indifference around me, isn't it? It's not that I don't want to spend time with my boyfriend. I do. I enjoy his company beyond belief when I am not being scared of him. And even then I still crave it. Fun, wild, dangerous, unplanned. My problem is that I seem to crave his company in a more obvious way than he does. I feel that all I do is chase after him.

Constantly. All the time. It's sickening to watch.

Realizing that left me in a panic because I just DO NOT chase after a guy in broad daylight for everyone to see which I think he enjoys. And all I do is chase after Nathan, then I say something bitchy, he thinks I am being defiant, I piss him off and he throws me into the nearest body of water. I have swallowed much water in this entire transition. I am always pursuing him. I chase him to his hotel, to his bike, to his spot in the yard, to his classes. It's like I am that vexing piece of gum you can't take off your shoe no matter how hard you step on it. I am aware and I don't care. I want him.

It takes me a while to try and get through all my annoyances, to figure out why I am so terrified of my feelings. It's not like I haven't loved and been burned before. God, my typing is getting harder after that last shot. I just feel that Nathan's even more fleeting than the other guy. And I can't change who I am to fit him. Though I do try to please him as much as I can but then he says something that pisses me off and I stop.

He's a womanizer. I am a slut with a pretty face and a crumbling reputation.

I want to be chased yet I feel I don't deserve to chased because I will be filled with a false impression of the guy's true intentions. Though that seems to matter so little when his lips quirk into a smile. It's just THAT! I am so INTO him it's killing me! I am not even bothering to get away from him so I can put my feelings in check and protect myself. I am addicted and obsessed. Worst part is that I am a horrible girlfriend to him (at least that's how I feel at times)... and he's great more often than not. He just looses a few of his marbles every once in a while.

I think of him all the time. I want to be with him all the time. Because I think, I am a 16 year old. He's going to college. Desperate, horny, drunk college women emerge like daisies and he is the bee. He will fertilize as many as he can. It's a rites-of-passage and I have been cursed with the knowledge that it's part of being a man. I can't go ahead and devoid him of that 'experience'.

Ugh. Yes. My brain is being a pain.

But I am selfish. I want him to be mine. I don't want to share him. I don't want anyone touching him. I don't want anyone connecting with him like Ashley does or sharing doobies and songs. And if I ~MUST~ share him then I'll do so but I have to own a part of him. Any will do. Just a piece of what Nathan is. I can't resist him, I don't even try to. I am so sexually charged all the time, I just want to lock him up and never let him go so I can do him to my heart's desire.

He's high most of the time. I worry. Then my inconsiderate desires take over. I want him to be damaged like I am. I feel it would be hypocritical of me to say something and Nathan doesn't think twice about telling you off. I had to acquire a new flask because he's rid me of mine by REPORTING to the school that I am an alcoholic that gets him intoxicated so I can have my way with him. I would. I am planning to do that soon enough. Waiting for him to make up his mind is destroying my neurons. I am not patient. I want things NOW. And while I do one more idiotic, failed attempt to maintain my dignity, I want to squeeze him for all he's got. So he can't get it anywhere else and so I can be more than a fleeting memory when he leaves.

...

Worrying is a waste of time. Crying about it is an even worse offense. It's not like I am made of something fragile, right? It's skin. It can regenerate. Even if Nathan is fire and skin doesn't regenerate after fire. Meh. If I am good at this, then maybe he won't leave and we can have some sort of ridiculous long-distance relationships. I hate those and yet I know if he proposes it, I'll say yes after kicking and screaming. Anything will do.

I am not going to call him tonight for once ... I'll just send him a message.

Told you I am disgusting. And to scrape even more idealism off this, we have never said "I love you" to each other. We either protect ourselves equally or... he doesn't feel it yet. I know I do. Why else would I be this hysterical? I am just a bit tired of waking up to an empty bed after another night dreaming of him.

Hmm. Maybe it's time to jump into another level of pathetic. I could sneak out of school, go to his hotel, spend the night with him then sneak back. I wouldn't feel lonely anymore and I could see him more during the course of the day.

I just realized people actually suspect that there's something more going on between the two of us. The rumors are flying high about the possibilities of the queen of the school and the bum hooking up for more than sex and that it actually has been happening for a while now. If they'd knew half of it (which I think they might suspect), they'd have a ball.

Yes. I will drink more to shut the hell up and stop thinking.